Sexual Healing: Good Advice From A Bad Girl

This is not your mother's sex advice column. I'll tell you upfront that I’m kinky and my answers to your questions won’t be your standard, vanilla responses. So who am I? Just a kinky girl with an appetite for sex, a good deal of experience, and the desire to help others enjoy sex the way I do. Email me your sex and relationship questions. I can't respond to all of them, but I will post the question along with my response. Feel free to comment or add your own experience.

January 30, 2007

Womb of Hurt

Long story short. 8 years ago I had a complete hysterectomy and have had not had any sex, let alone much sex drive, ever since. Finally, I find someone I’m interested in and I realize that my vagina is on fire with just a little fingering. Even my yearly exam is excruciatingly painful.

1. What can I do to thicken my vaginal wall? Is it herbs or Chinese medicine or special creams or what? I know this has to be a reversible situation but don’t know where to find relief.

2. With my cervix removed, do I no longer have a “G” spot?

3. Since I have never been excited by anal sex, is this my only recourse to some type of intercourse?


Are you taking estrogen replacement hormones? If not, talk to your doctor about this. Lack of estrogen could be the source of the irritation, because it affects your natural lubricant. Have you tried any lubes while you were being fingered? I'm going to hazard a guess you haven't been doing much masturbating the last 8 years, but now may be the time to start. In a less pressured setting, without a partner, you will feel more relaxed while you explore ... the mental/emotional context is going to be really important, because it *has* been 8 years since you've enjoyed sex (assuming you did in the past). Like riding a bike, you may have to get used to sex feeling good again. Remember how much it hurt when you lost your virginity?

I recommend talking to your doctor, anyway. This is a medical issue, and we have to, in this country, get away from thinking that sex is something we only discuss with our intimate partners. Think of it this way, as it was explained to me by a well-known sex educator recently: doctors have complete access to the human body. They get to cut it open, take things out, put things in, and re-arrange us. They bring us into the world and they're often there as we leave it. But we can't talk to them and they don't ask us about the physiology of the part of the body that facilitates our making? Doesn't that seem strange?

Little rant aside - your doctor is (or should be) capable of discussing medical options with you. If s/he can't, find one who will.



Did they remove your G-Spot? No. The g-spot is lower in the vaginal canal and should not have been affected by your
hysterectomy. But it is internal, so trying to finger it in your current state is going to hurt. Take a look at the diagram above. The g-spot isn't a part of the organ they removed.

Is anal sex now your only recourse?

Oh, honey, noooooooooooo.

Assuming there is no medical way to resolve your painful experience with intercourse, you have many other options! You just have to start thinking beyond penetration. Take hints from lesbians who don't like penetration!

Do you enjoy clit stimulation? Let him practice his cunninglinguistics on you! There are also many toys designed to stimulate the clit and not the vagina. Many women don't experience orgasm through vaginal penetration, anyway, so there are a lot of resources available to you: check out toy sites and pay attention to user reviews.

If part of your worry is about your new guy not having a hole he can fuck - there are ways wherein you can learn to enjoy anal (if you want some tips, let me know), but if you have a serious aversion, what about oral sex? Some men prefer it to traditional intercourse. Then too, hand-jobs are an option. Some couples resolve differences in libido with one partner manually pleasing the other while talking through a fantasy. How about exploring that with him?

I'm assuming you've already told the new guy what's up. If you haven't, you should. Between the two of you, with the millions of avenues of sexuality available on the Internet, I'm confident you can design a fulfilling sex life for the both of you. That level of communication can produce an unexpected and happy side-effect: it brings you emotionally closer.