Web Dating - Fantasy vs. Reality

Hello,

I met this girl online in early may, we ended up talking online very very, much. We decided we liked each other, but she didn't want a long distance relationship. So around late may I found out she had a web cam, so I went and bought one. So just about every day, we would talk and chat with the web cam on, to make it feel more real. Then we started masturbating to each other on the web cams, pretty much every night. Then she'd say stuff to me like "I'm going to take your virginity" etc.

So around early July I decide I like this girl so much, and I fly out to see her for 2 weeks. So I'm there and the first night, (mind you I'm a virgin and have no experience with pussy at all) she has me start rubbing her clit, and then like 5 minutes later I go and start licking her clit. I'd say around 20 minutes later she orgasms, and it felt like she squirted on my face, but I'm not sure. And that's all we do that night.

Then the 2nd night I'm there, I start rubbing her clit again, then lick her clit again for about the same amount of time and she orgasms, then I finger her vagina for around 10 minutes, and that's all there was that night. Then the 3rd night was the same as the 2nd but I sucked on her nipples and played with her boobs, but that's all we did. Then the 4th night I end up licking her clit and fingering her vagina at the same time for about an hour and a half, and she has this amazing orgasm, and that's all we did that night.

Then the rest of the time I was there after that, there wasn't anything sexual, and she started to treat me very rudely. I'm just wondering why wouldn't she do anything to me? or Why wouldn't she have sex with me? I've been in a very hard depression ever since, and me and her hardly talk now.


You poor thing.

You just found out one of the ways internet dating can go wrong.

Why wouldn't she fuck you or give you any reciprocal pleasure? Who knows. Maybe she wasn't attracted to you in person. Maybe she found your attentions too amateurish and after a couple of attempts didn't want to try again, or go any further. Maybe she's a selfish bitch who uses impressionable guys. Maybe she's confused, and young, and doesn't know what the fuck she's doing when something isn't what she expected and hasn't figured out to treat other people in those situations.

The point is, why doesn't really matter. It's possible you will never know. It happened, and it hurt you. You put a lot of effort into fashioning a relationship with her online and over the phone. Through your interaction, you both built up idealized versions of each other based in part on projection of your needs onto each other. You shared a joint fantasy about what a potential relationship would be like. The reality, as it often is, was different, and in the heat of the moment, you had not considered that as a possible outcome.

It's okay for you to feel badly about the way things turned out. She didn't behave well. But you need to reflect a bit and acknowledge that what you lost was, at least in part, a fantasy. Sad, certainly, but not something to fall into a sustained depression over. I'm guessing you're fairly young, and that being the case, you will have plenty of opportunity to find a girl with whom to have a relationship, who won't just take advantage of you and then become non-communicative.

The one big lesson for you to take away from this is that while romances built on the internet can turn into to loving, lasting relationships, true chemistry, attraction and compatibility can't be gauged until you spend real time with someone.

Web Dating - so much potential!

Dear Serrephim,

Love your blog, I'm glad I found it. Anyways I wanted to know your opinion on relationships started on the Internet. I recently "met" this guy on the net while visiting a chat room and I seem to be attracted to him, despite never meeting him in person. Should I steer away from this or see where it goes.

Sincerely,

Searching the Web

Dear Searching:

I'm all for relationships that start online. They are losing their stigma. It's no longer the refuge of geeks and social misfits who are too timid to go out and find love/sex/friendship/relationships/insert-label-here. Modern life, particularly modern American life, lends itself to this kind of meeting. Think about the time many people spend in front of computers. Think about the amount of time people spend commuting to and from jobs. Think about all the people like me, who go to school and work full time.

Many of us don't have time to do the things people used to do to find romance before the internet explosion. Once you leave university, or have settled into a career, it can become exceedingly hard to meet new friends or potential significant others. Many people have lives that provide them with a very limited sphere of influence. You know who you know, and short of joining activity groups and hanging out in singles bars, you're unlikely to meet many new people. So, your friends start setting you up on blind dates. There is no reason that is acceptable and blind internet dating is not. How are they vastly different? Your friends usually don't set you up with people they know incredibly well, and at least with someone you've met online, you have to opportunity to learn intimate details about them (provided they are being honest) before you ever agree to meet someone.

But I digress, so let me back up. You didn't ask about dating. You just want to know if it's ok to pursue something with this guy beyond chat. And I say, why not? You are interested in him so far. Sure, he could be misrepresenting himself, or be a total tool, or he could be everything you want on paper, and if you meet him, there's no chemistry. But he could just as easily be exactly as he portrays himself, someone you'd like to know better, and the two of you could have all the chemistry in the world.

So my vote is: see where it goes. Correspond with him. See if there's more to your attraction than what is already there. Move to phone conversations if you feel comfortable. It's easier to get a sense of someone if you can hear them. When the time comes and one of you suggests an in-person meeting, be smart about it. Do it in a public place. Make it a short date, like for coffee or a drink, that you could lengthen if you need to. Don't plan a dinner date. Good god, there's nothing worse than staring at a stranger across a table trying to eat a nice dinner when both of you would really rather run out the door. A drink/coffee is low-pressure. And you can always have another. Or decide to make it into a meal. Make sure a friend knows where you will be, and make sure to arrange a check in time.

There are other ways you can play the in-person meeting very safely. If it gets to that point with Mr. Internet, hit me back up and I'll lay those out for you, too. In the meantime, don't write him off! He could be your Mr. Right.

Group Dynamics

This week my husband and I have introduced friends of ours into our sex life. I had my first f/f experience, it did not turn out like the hubby's wanted. She fucked me with a strapon, I couldn't cum and hubby fucked me while she rubbed my clit. Her husband jerked off during this. He asked if he could fuck me, I declined. We are getting together Saturday night for another round, they talk like there are no limits, I know he wants to fuck me and he is bi, he wanted to suck hubby. We are not really comfortable with the no holes barred rule. How do we handle this, we don't want to ruin our friendship with them, but I know our expectations about Sat. Are different. I have never done anything like this before this week, I don't want the unknown to bite my ass.

Hubby and I talked and he is OK if the other hubby fucks me, I'm undecided. I don't really think he can do anything for me, I'm no size queen but his dick is ittybitty. Anyway, any advice you can give will be needed.

From the way you write, I'm not even certain you want to be participating in group play with this couple at all, and are letting your husband's desires drive this forward. If that's the case, you really do need to be honest with him and let him know you don't feel good about this: in the long run, it's you and your emotions he's going to have to deal with, not the other couples'. Your first loyalty and concern should be for each other, and he's not going to feel good if he ultimately feels he forced you into something you didn't want.

But let's assume you do want group play, and merely have reservations about certain activities.

If you can manage, I would suggest you call off this weekend in as socially delicate a way as possible. Group play should be entered into with some degree of nervous anticipation, not with dread. You're so anxious about this, I'm worried you're going to get there, do whatever they want out of some sense of keeping social harmony, and regret every last minute of your time together later. That alone is going to put a strain on your relationship with them, far worse than postponing so you can have a discussion that will lead to a satisfying, happy encounter for all of you.

If you feel like you can't do that, you're going to have to have a talk with the couple about expectations before you start getting naked. Ideally this would be done in advance of the play date, but it looks like we've got minimal time here, so it looks like you're going to have to do it right before the main event.

It's good you and your husband have come to an understanding about whether or not it's ok for you to fuck the other guy, but I think I'm picking up that you haven't really discussed other things that are ok, and the things that make you uncomfortable. You have to do this, or you and hubby are likely to both be disappointed and unhappy with the encounter.

The step after that involves doing the same with the other couple. If you're comfortable enough to be naked with them, you have to be comfortable enough to talk to them about your individual desires, expectations, and limits. Set parameters. I can't say it enough ways: communication is key.

Your friends are coming from a good place: they're happy and excited to find like-minded souls, and like people do with so many things, are jumping into the pool cannon-ball style. You and hubby, on the other hand, are wading into the shallow end of the pool. That's ok. And
it's ok for you to negotiate. Be as plain and unequivocal as you can. "We're ok with X, but Y is not an option". Oh, and I wouldn't tell your friend you don't want him to fuck you because you think his cock is too small. Make it more an issue about agreements between you and hubby. If they've been doing this for a while, they'll understand. If they're as green as you, in the end, they'll appreciate knowing they haven't crossed any boundaries or done something to put your friendship in jeopardy.

This is play time. It's supposed to be fun. But everyone has to be playing by the same rules, you know?