Sexual Healing: Good Advice From A Bad Girl

This is not your mother's sex advice column. I'll tell you upfront that I’m kinky and my answers to your questions won’t be your standard, vanilla responses. So who am I? Just a kinky girl with an appetite for sex, a good deal of experience, and the desire to help others enjoy sex the way I do. Email me your sex and relationship questions. I can't respond to all of them, but I will post the question along with my response. Feel free to comment or add your own experience.

August 04, 2006

Group Dynamics

This week my husband and I have introduced friends of ours into our sex life. I had my first f/f experience, it did not turn out like the hubby's wanted. She fucked me with a strapon, I couldn't cum and hubby fucked me while she rubbed my clit. Her husband jerked off during this. He asked if he could fuck me, I declined. We are getting together Saturday night for another round, they talk like there are no limits, I know he wants to fuck me and he is bi, he wanted to suck hubby. We are not really comfortable with the no holes barred rule. How do we handle this, we don't want to ruin our friendship with them, but I know our expectations about Sat. Are different. I have never done anything like this before this week, I don't want the unknown to bite my ass.

Hubby and I talked and he is OK if the other hubby fucks me, I'm undecided. I don't really think he can do anything for me, I'm no size queen but his dick is ittybitty. Anyway, any advice you can give will be needed.

From the way you write, I'm not even certain you want to be participating in group play with this couple at all, and are letting your husband's desires drive this forward. If that's the case, you really do need to be honest with him and let him know you don't feel good about this: in the long run, it's you and your emotions he's going to have to deal with, not the other couples'. Your first loyalty and concern should be for each other, and he's not going to feel good if he ultimately feels he forced you into something you didn't want.

But let's assume you do want group play, and merely have reservations about certain activities.

If you can manage, I would suggest you call off this weekend in as socially delicate a way as possible. Group play should be entered into with some degree of nervous anticipation, not with dread. You're so anxious about this, I'm worried you're going to get there, do whatever they want out of some sense of keeping social harmony, and regret every last minute of your time together later. That alone is going to put a strain on your relationship with them, far worse than postponing so you can have a discussion that will lead to a satisfying, happy encounter for all of you.

If you feel like you can't do that, you're going to have to have a talk with the couple about expectations before you start getting naked. Ideally this would be done in advance of the play date, but it looks like we've got minimal time here, so it looks like you're going to have to do it right before the main event.

It's good you and your husband have come to an understanding about whether or not it's ok for you to fuck the other guy, but I think I'm picking up that you haven't really discussed other things that are ok, and the things that make you uncomfortable. You have to do this, or you and hubby are likely to both be disappointed and unhappy with the encounter.

The step after that involves doing the same with the other couple. If you're comfortable enough to be naked with them, you have to be comfortable enough to talk to them about your individual desires, expectations, and limits. Set parameters. I can't say it enough ways: communication is key.

Your friends are coming from a good place: they're happy and excited to find like-minded souls, and like people do with so many things, are jumping into the pool cannon-ball style. You and hubby, on the other hand, are wading into the shallow end of the pool. That's ok. And
it's ok for you to negotiate. Be as plain and unequivocal as you can. "We're ok with X, but Y is not an option". Oh, and I wouldn't tell your friend you don't want him to fuck you because you think his cock is too small. Make it more an issue about agreements between you and hubby. If they've been doing this for a while, they'll understand. If they're as green as you, in the end, they'll appreciate knowing they haven't crossed any boundaries or done something to put your friendship in jeopardy.

This is play time. It's supposed to be fun. But everyone has to be playing by the same rules, you know?

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