He Keeps On Going - But Never Cumming

I have just become a fan of your blog - and I have a question that I hope you can help with......

Simply said - my boyfriend can't cum. Though he can stay hard forever, and make me have orgasms like I never have had - he can't get there. Nor can he get there through oral sex.

He warned me about it before we ever had sex - saying that he has NEVER cum with a woman (we're both in our 30's). It seems he was scared by the first girl he was ever with, she told him he was "dirty and gross" right before he was about to get off.

How do I get him to be able to cum with me????


My first question is, can he cum, ever? Does he come when he masturbates on his own? If it is only that he can't cum from sex with a partner, then I would suggest always having him finish himself off after he's fucked you to your satisfaction. Get into watching it. Talk dirty to him while he's stroking his cock, or let him talk dirty to you. Or talk dirty to each other. Let him cum on you if you're into it: your tits, your stomach, your neck, and your face are all good targets. From there, see if he can teach you to jerk him off the way he likes. If he can get off from your hand, he may be able to train himself to cum with you otherwise. Give it a shot! Even if it doesn't solve the problem, watching him jack off will be hot!

It is possible it is a psychological thing, stemming from his early experience with the woman calling him dirty & gross. (Small aside: we hate her! Humiliation like that is only cool if both parties are consenting. Otherwise, it can be truly damaging). Just as it is one of the major causes of impotence, performance anxiety is a leading factor in inhibited male orgasm. It would be best for him to work through these issues with a therapist. That might not be something he wants or thinks he needs to do, and you can't push him into it. Tread lightly if you discuss this option with him.

If it is all in his head, the masturbating himself to completion after fucking you senseless may or may not work, but is definitely an option to try. In the meantime, just be loving and reassuring to him that he is good, and sexy, and not dirty (some of us like being called dirty, but your man is clearly not someone who has eroticized that kind of humiliation), and try not to add to his anxiety by pressuring him. It is wonderful if you want him to experience that kind of pleasure with you. But if you want it because it makes you feel like less of a woman, he's going to know that and that added pressure is only going to make the situation worse.

If he truly never cums, even alone, is it possible your boyfriend is on an anti-depressant or some other prescription medication that inhibits orgasm? If he is on any medications, research them for sexual side-effects. Depending on what the medication is for, there might be alternatives that have different side effects that don't inhibit orgasm. It is also possible that whatever the medication is for, the sexual side-effect is less detrimental to him than not taking it. In that case, it may just be something you have to live with. As long as you are satisfied, and he is happy with your sex life, I wouldn't let it bother me very much.

It is also possible he has a physiolgocial problem, that he may well be unaware of. A number of physiological conditions inhibit orgasm. Low testosterone, elevated prolactin levels, any neurological disease that reduces peripheral sensation or impairs functioning of the sympathetic nervous system, injuries to the spinal cord, following surgical interventions, etc. He will know if he's had any injuries or surgeries that might have an affect. But having his hormone levels tested might reveal that it is a physical problem that can be regulated through medication or horomone treatments. This is probably the easiest of all of the possible issues to remedy.