Wait ... what gives? He can't cum?

Two questions.

Since I've gotten out of a 9 yr relationship (he was the only guy I have ever been with) , I've been excited to try new lovers! That last two guys I've had sex with have left me a little clueless though.

1.) He was 38 and when we had sex he pulled out right when he was about to orgasm and jacked himself off instead (& yes we used a condom)! ! I was left a little dumbstruck. Isn't the climax the best part (with a man) ? Why have sex with someone when you're just going to finish off w/ your hand?

2.) I have a fuck buddy now. We have a lot of fun when we have sex (3x that we have) but he has never finished! He is very attentive and can last forever but I have yet to see him climax. And to be honest, I think he just finishes himself off in the bathroom. When questioned about it...he just shrugs and says he's not that sensitive bc he drinks a lot. (Huh?) But he always has an erection. He's 23 and isn't that prime time for sex?

I'm beginning to think it's me! What do you think? Although it's not fair to compare, but in my long relationship, the sex was really good and he always finished. So I guess I expected the same. HELP!

Michelle
Well, Michelle, there's a lot going on here!

Where do I begin?

Let's address the 38 year old who pulled out and jacked himself off instead of cumming inside you. This is not at all unusual, and there can be any number of reasons. It's possible vaginal sex (with any woman) doesn't provide the right amount of friction and pressure for him to get off. Maybe he'd been masturbating a lot lately. Maybe he'd popped viagra without your knowledge. Maybe he likes to finish himself off manually every time, and that threw you off because you're used to your Ex.

It could be something as simple as the condom. Some men just can't cum with them on. I'm not sure what age your long term partner was, but it's not unusual for men who are currently in their mid-thirties and beyond to dislike condoms, or to find it difficult or impossible to orgasm in them. A 38 year old man was 18 in 1985. Depending on his precociousness, he may have been having sex for a couple of years by then. I mention 1985 because this is the point when HIV/AIDS became a huge part of our consciousness, and pretty much anyone coming of age after that was going to have the "use condoms or die" message driven into them in sex education classes, by the media etc., whereas before that, condom use was relatively low. It's also possible he'd recently been in a monogamous relationship where condom use wasn't necessary.

Imagine what it would feel like to have your pussy wrapped in latex, and to have to experience all sensation that way? It would still feel fantastic -- but muted, and you'd probably find it a bit harder to get off. Now imagine you'd had quite a bit of condomless sex. It's not a secret message he's sending you. By using his hand, he was looking out for both of you! No unwanted STIs, no unwanted babies, and he still got off, as I'm assuming you did, as you didn't mention not cumming yourself.

Now, let's talk about your 23 year old stud and his inability to cum. It could be the drinking ... but that's more likely to be true if he's drinking a lot right before you fuck. If he masturbates a lot, and is used to a particular kind of stimulation, that could also affect his ability to orgasm from intercourse. There are lots of other reasons, both mental and physical ... the point being, again, it's not a statement that there's something wrong with you, or with him even. It just means maybe he can't come very easily from traditional penis-vagina intercourse, and he's not alone!

There doesn't have to be a goal to sex. Think of all the women out there who don't cum from the old in-out, but require manual or other stimulation to the clit, as well, or instead - a lot of them still have, and enjoy sex, right? It's not like a race to a finish line that you both need to cross at once, or even close to the same time. Sex is nice, and fun, and it feels good, and it's a way to connect with another person, and experience intimacy. If it were just about the orgasm, you could do that all by yourself without the help of the other person.

Think about girl on girl action for a minute. Because of anatomy, unless they are 69ing each other, jilling each other off simultaneously, fucking a double-ended cock, or masturbating in front of each other at the same time, chances are likely the orgasms of the partners will be separated by a good deal of time. It is very common in girl-girl sex to have all the attention focused on one partner until her orgasm, and then the partners switch and the provider of pleasure becomes the receiver. There are a lot of heterosexual people who find the traditional idea of sex rather boring, and follow the first me-then you-and sometimes both of us model.

I say, as long as they're getting you off, and express their own satisfaction with your encounters, don't worry so much about how, or when, they cum. It's not a comment on your abilities or your womanliness, anymore than it is a comment on a man's prowess if he can't make a woman cum with his cock in her pussy alone. Everyone's body works a little differently, and I for one love the excitement and adventure of finding out how.