Slow And Steady Wins The Race

Okay, here's the thing - I've only been with a few guys, and really only hadsex 3 times. But, I've never had an orgasm with guy. Neither throughintercourse, nor myself or him playing with my pussy with hands or toys. It just hasn't happened. I have no trouble having orgasms when I'm alone playing with my toys, but it's mostly from attention to my clit. It's strange - sometimes when I have either a dildo or a dick inside my vagina I don't really feel anything. Is this normal? Any advice? I'm new to the whole "sex" thing and I really just want to know what's going on...

Thanks for your help,
Alice


It is totally normal! As a matter of fact, you are already ahead of the game in that you’ve had orgasms on your own! That means you know what it feels like and will know when it happens when you are with a partner (yes, yes, I know: thank you, Captain Obvious).

So let's get into this: you say you’ve only had “sex” three times. By that I think you mean cock-in-pussy penetration. There are some women who can't come from vaginal penetration alone, and who require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. You may fall into that group, but I think it may be too soon to tell. Some women are able to reach orgasm from clit stim long before they ever come from internal stimulation alone. I fall into the latter group. I don’t remember what age I was when I had my first orgasm; I always remember being sexual, but it was fairly early. I discovered if I angled myself just right when the bath water was running, I could get myself off. I didn’t know what it was, exactly, that I was doing, but I knew if I stayed there long enough, I would have this weird building, tightening feeling wash over me, and eventually, this little explosion that left me all warm and tingly.

Fast forward through my first forays into sex and a lot of masturbatory exploration, and at 17 I had my first orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. There were, however, quite a few years in between my first orgasm and my first vaginal orgasm, even though I was young.

My point is, in just three encounters, I think it’s too early to say whether you can or cannot come from penis-vagina sex. It’s still new for you. I’m not sure under what circumstances you’ve had sex (long-term boyfriend? Friend? Some dude you brought home from a bar?) … but it’s quite possible there’s a level of discomfort you’re experiencing that is preventing you from being relaxed enough to come. Or maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself, or he is by refusing to give up until you get off, or attaching his ego to your orgasm. I’m leaning more toward the idea that it’s a bit of stage freight on your part, preventing you from being completely relaxed and comfortable.

As long as you enjoy the encounters, why not keep trying? You can still masturbate for orgasms later. I know it’s a bit frustrating, but sex doesn’t have to be about the orgasm alone: it’s nice to be intimate and connect with another person on that level and feels good even if you don't come. It’s perfectly acceptable for one partner to get off even if the other does not. My libido is invariably higher than my partner’s, so I’ve had a lot of sex where I was the only one getting off. Typically this has also meant that I was receiving but not giving attention. Now, before you go and call me selfish, I will point out that most of the time I was tied up and couldn’t do anything but submit to the pleasure - or pain, but that’s another question entirely.

Actually, no. Let me address that. There are some people who need specific things to achieve satisfaction. For some people it’s an object, like panties. For some, it’s a specific act, like foot worship. Those would be Fetishists. Some people need to feel pain and/or be submissive. Some people like to hurt others and/or be dominant. They’re into BDSM. The point being, the specific combination of things needed for people to get off is as unique as each individual.

Please don't be discouraged because you haven't come the way you think you're "supposed to" yet. There's a learning curve with everything that's new: remember learning to ride a bike? You wobbled a whole lot, and perhaps even fell, before you got really good at it, right?

Give yourself some time to get used to sex with a partner, and just enjoy the encounters for what they are. Keep communicating, keep experimenting, and my intuition tells me you will eventually come with a lover.