Reach Out & Touch Someone

Here's a fun question for ya:

I moved about 1,000 miles away from my boyfriend to take a temporary contract job, so I see him only once a month. This means I have sex only one weekend a month. I'm used to have copious amounts of sex whenever I want. Do you have any *healthy* suggestions for dealing with this until my contract is over? So far, I've been eating enough ice cream to keep Ben & Jerry's in business for decades.

Difficulty: No sex toys

signed,
PlatKat

Well, PlatKat ... First a question for *you*. No sex toys? Why not? No place to buy them where you are currently living? Too expensive? Or, do you just not like them?

If you are suffering from lack of access to affordable sex toys, you have 2 choices. You can look at the products on the sites I listed in Quick Sex Tip of the Day - Toy Stores. Or, for the truly budget conscious, you can get creative with phallic shaped fruits and vegetables (cucumbers, bananas, zucchini, several varieties of squash, etc.) or other phallic-shaped objects. Anything hard and roughly in the shape of a penis will work. Just make sure whatever you use is clean, and don't use anything that might have bits that break off inside you.

I am currently having sex at about as often as you are, and like you, am used to much greater frequency. In the past, when I've had periods of relative celibacy with infrequent sex at some sort of regular interval, it was much harder to cope with my overactive libido (I could happily fuck like 4 times a day and still be ready and willing to go again). This time around, there is something different going on. Partially it is that I have grown to understand my body much more in the last couple of years, which means I have a greater repatoire of methods to satisfy myself. But I also attribute a lot of it to my discovery of toys.

For years, I had a dildo and a weak battery-operated vibrator, but generally masturbated with my hand; clit stimulation mostly, with occasional insertion, which provided relief but didn't really satisfy the deeper craving. Having recently spent more than a year having sex almost exclusively with another woman, I grew accustomed to all manner of dildos and vibes. I was introduced to the Acuvibe, for which I will forever be grateful, and discovered the joys of a toy cock that can suction to most any surface imaginable. They may not be able to cuddle me and tell me they love me (or pull my hair or spank me or do some of the other naughty things I like) but fuck, do they make me cum again and again.

If you just don't like toys, ask yourself why not? There is nothing wrong with giving yourself pleasure. Playing with ourselves sexually is a natural human instinct. If you're going to play, you might as well use toys, right?

If you care to write back, by email or as a comment to this post, and clarify your issue with sex toys, I may be able to offer something more on that specific front.

Or maybe I'm just coming at this question the wrong way. Maybe you're saying masturbation just isn't fulfilling because you're used to copious amounts of sex with a partner, and it is the energy of the other that you are missing. There are ways you and your boyfriend can still be involved in each other's sex lives on a more regular basis, regardless of the distance.

You might try phone sex. You could listen to each other masturbate. He could tell you how to touch yourself, jerking off while he listens to you comply, or vice versa. You could describe fantasies to each other, and masturbate in unison. You could tell each other in graphic detail about last time you masturbated, what you did to yourselves, and what you were thinking about.

If you find it difficult to voice your desires aloud, consider cyber sex. Any of the vignettes I mentioned for phone sex can work via Instant Message, if both of you have private access to computers. If you're daring, and you have private internet access and web cams, you could even put on shows for each other. Again, the phone sex vignettes I mentioned could be employed over web cam to great success.

Another option to consider is an open relationship during your contract period, so that both of you are free to pursue sexual relationships with other people. This is not an arrangement most people are prepared to handle, so give it a lot of thought before discussing it with your boyfriend. If you do indeed decide to go this route, take care to establish boundaries, make sure they are clear, and communicate honestly and often. There are a lot of resources available online regarding Polyamory, the term used to describe people who have multiple intimate relationships (different from Swinging, which implies couples who swap or merely have sex with other couples/people). Reading The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt is a really good place to begin if you are going to consider a polyamorous lifestyle or relationship.

If Poly doesn't appeal to you at all, and you don't want to end your relationship (which is another option, but you don't mention being unhappy with your relationship other than missing your boyfriend and more frequent sex, so I'm not advocating that option, though it certainly exists), masturbation seems your best bet. With all the communication technology available today, masturbation does not have to be a completely solitary event.

Most importantly, try to think of this time as an adventure. Learn as much about your own body and how to please yourself as you can in the meantime - it'll make you a better lover and better able to tell your lovers what you want. Armed with self-knowledge and the willingness and ability to communicate with your lover, your sex life can only improve.