Cock-Sucker!

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We have GREAT sex, when we have it. When we first got together the sex was an everyday thing, sometimes 3 times a day. It consisted of lots of toys, dildos, anal, oral, EVERYTHING. It quite possibly could be that it's slowed down because of my lack of self-esteem, as I've gained some weight in the 3 years we've been together. Within the last 6 months, he demands me to give him head, and "suck him off" This being said, he does nothing to stimulate me! He just tells me to give him head, no kissing or rubbing or anything. How am I
suppose to get turned on and suck his dick when I'm not getting horny at all? He doesn't understand this. He thinks I should just drop when he tells me. I can't get into give him great head if I'm not into it! Am I wrong?

Sexually Frustrated!

How are you supposed toget turned on under those circumstances? You're NOT! I'm all for being good, giving and game, to quote Dan Savage -- but there's a requisite reciprocity that has to exist. It can't be only one half of the partnership that is GGG. You both have to be.

I'm going to be blunt, and it's perhaps not what you're going to want to hear: but it's not your lack of self esteem that has caused your boyfriend to stop fucking you, or participating in your pleasure (please tell me, at least, that you're masturbating??) ... it may be that your weight has made you physically unattractive to him. But, what he thinks doesn't factor into the point I'm trying to make. Your self-esteem *IS* responsible, but not for his lack of desire to be intimate with you.

Your lack of self-esteem is keeping you with someone who makes you feel even worse about yourself, and it's stopping you from demanding equality in your sexual relationship. No matter your weight gain, you deserve to be with someone who loves *you*, who finds *you* attractive, who wants to be pleasured by and, this is KEY, give pleasure to *you*. Do you see where I'm going with this?

You have some choices:

1) Do nothing. The likely outcome of this is he'll end up cheating on you and/or breaking up with you, and you're going to spend a good deal of time hating yourself for being a doormat.

2) Talk to him. Explain what you've said here, and tell him how it makes you feel. Try to work out with him what his issue is. It may not be about you at all, but some fact or stressor in his life that has changed. He's being a dick, but there could be a legitimate, not-related-to-you reason for it. It's one of the poorer aspects of human nature that we tend to take out our non-relationship issues on our partner.

3) Demand he meet your needs, too. Give him an ultimatum - either this relationship is reciprocal (and that means treating you decently, too, not just throwing you pity fucks so he can get a blow job), or it's over.

4) Follow through on the ultimatum you gave him in 3. If it doesn't get any better, or it does for a short period of time and goes back to you servicing him exclusively, end the relationship.


Some combination of 2, 3 & 4 is probably your best bet. If discussion doesn't work, it's ultimatum time. If that doesn't help - it's time to cut your losses. In that event, he's not worth the effect this is having on your psyche, and he certainly doesn't deserve to be rewarded with sex he doesn't have to work at, or for.

you could always

5) kick his ass out of your life Right Now, no questions asked, no passing GO, no collecting his ($200) blow job. You know him. If you don't think 2-4 is going to be effective, this is really what you need to do, for yourself - - before your self-esteem gets so low you start thinking you deserve to be treated like a second class citizen in your relationship, with no desires or needs of your own worth your partner's time and effort to meet.

And just for good measure, if you're not already, get yourself into therapy for your self-esteem and body issues. You know that saying "if you don't love yourself, how can anybody else?" It's true, but not literally. If you don't love yourself, you can't allow yourself to be truly loved. You'll either sabotage good relationships, or make really bad choices. Staying with someone who refuses you sex but demands you "suck him off" is a good example of making a really bad choice.