Sexual Healing: Good Advice From A Bad Girl

Once is (not) Enough

2007-04-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

Q:
ok my question is that while me and my boyfriend are having sex and he cums that's it. He has tried to keep going, and I try to make him hard again, but it doesn't work. It just goes limp, and stays that way and we're done for at least an hour. We do the whole for-play an everything and the sex is awesome while it lasts, but I want to be able to go for hours, having him cum and keep going. Is this possible, is there something I can do to keep him hard after he cums?

A:
This is just how guys work, sweetie. Once they have an orgasm and ejaculate, some will be able to get hard again immediately, some will need an hour, some several, and some are done for the day. Women are the same - some need refractory time, others, like me, do not.

Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do to make a guy hard again fast after he has ejaculated if he doesn't already have the ability. If you want hours of fucking, your best bet is to teach him to use toys on you - he can fuck you hard and long with dildos, his hands, certain vegetables, and you never have to worry about him cumming and getting limp.

Your second best options are to prolong the time between erection and ejaculation for him by employing such things as cock rings and exploration of Tantric sex practices. Cock rings come in all different types: some are rubber rings, some are metal, some are leather with snap closures, etc. Tantric sex can also lead to mind-blowing, extended orgasms for you, too, and there are methods that allow a man to have an orgasm without ejaculating and the resultant loss of erection.

My vote would be that you try all of the above because doing so has the potential to result in unintended yet beneficial side-effects: sharing the fun of exploration together should increase your communication, trust and intimacy, and all of those are pluses in both the sex and relationship columns. Have fun, and enjoy!

The Good Porn Company

2007-03-15T10:55:00.001-07:00

Taking a break from the regularly scheduled program to bring your attention to Violet Blue's column on SFGate.com today.

"But I've never been shocked about this: Google AdWords has a rep for pairing inappropriate (if not offensive) text ads with the original content it's posted with -- especially when it comes to sex. AdWords' insensitivities might seem trifling or even amusing on the surface (let's assume those of you reading my column feel OK about porn enough to disregard the douchey anti-porn ads at the bottom of the page), but those trying to make a positive change in the way their sexuality is portrayed in the wider culture are facing a David vs. Goliath battle of keywords."- Violet Blue

I know the people at RedHandedPorn.com and I'm happy to see Sex Positive Activists taking up their cause. They just want to make good porn. Porn that is real. Porn that positively portrays sexuality in all its permutations. Porn that celebrates rather than exploits.

If only the good folks at Google would let them reach their target market.

Got Him Pegged

2007-02-07T23:12:00.000-08:00

Hi,

Apologies if you've posted about this before -- I looked through the archives, but I may have missed it.

My boyfriend would like me to penetrate him with a dildo in a strap on harness thing. I've used my fingers and a dildo before, but don't know much about purchasing a strap-on. Are there any websites you can recommend with product reviews or ratings, as well as information on how you know if it fits you?

Thanks!

If you haven't watched them yet, I urge you to pick up a copy of Bend Over Boyfriend and Bend Over Boyfriend 2 and watch them with yours. They'll give you the how-to tips.

As far as equipment goes, keep reading.

Strap-ons can be hit or miss. They're a little awkward for women to get used to - and trust me, the thrusting is going to confound you a little bit at first. Girl hips weren't made to jack-hammer the same way a guy's are. It's going to require you taking an exploratory, this-may-make-us-giggle-as-we-work-it-out approach to fucking him. I've fucked guys in the ass with a strap-on, fucked girls in the pussy with one, too - and I have to say, most of the time, I prefer the hand-helds! The biggest problem, for me, with a strap-on is not being able to feel what you're doing because the cock isn't attached to you. You can still sense resistance, or lack of, while holding a toy cock in your hand: that sense goes away when it's strapped to your pelvis.

Some people recommend the Feeldoe or other toys like the Nexus, both of which have ends that get inserted into your pussy - thus giving you the ability to feel, with your body, what is going on with him. Not as well as with your hand, but MUCH better than with a traditional strap-on dong. The Nexus definitely needs to be use in concert with a harness, unless you have the strongest Kegels in the world. Many people find that the Feeldoe is capable of being used sans harness, but I didn't have success with that. Used with a harness, and the Stout Feeldoe model (the thickest of them), I had one of the longest orgasms of my life while pegging a cute male friend of mine.

I've tried different types of harnesses: leather, nylon, latex ... some with d-rings, some that buckle, some that tighten & loosen like a backpack strap, and so far, in terms of utility and ease of use, I've liked the nylon one the best. They also have the advantage of not being as expensive as other models, which to me is important when trying a new toy. The first harness bought by and ex girlfriend of mine was leather, and expensive, and ultimately we didn't like how cumbersome it was to get on and off, and to adjust. I suspect over time, with use, the leather will relax - but some people don't want the wait and see with sex toys. They want gratification, now!

So, my suggestion would be, at first, to go with a nylon model like this until you know for sure you both even like the whole pegging experience ... and invest in leather or something more expensive down the road.

Good places to look for strap-ons (and sex toys in general), some of which feature staff and user reviews:

Good Vibrations
Babeland
JT Stockroom
Adam & Eve

Womb of Hurt

2007-01-30T23:44:00.001-08:00

Long story short. 8 years ago I had a complete hysterectomy and have had not had any sex, let alone much sex drive, ever since. Finally, I find someone I’m interested in and I realize that my vagina is on fire with just a little fingering. Even my yearly exam is excruciatingly painful.

1. What can I do to thicken my vaginal wall? Is it herbs or Chinese medicine or special creams or what? I know this has to be a reversible situation but don’t know where to find relief.

2. With my cervix removed, do I no longer have a “G” spot?

3. Since I have never been excited by anal sex, is this my only recourse to some type of intercourse?

Are you taking estrogen replacement hormones? If not, talk to your doctor about this. Lack of estrogen could be the source of the irritation, because it affects your natural lubricant. Have you tried any lubes while you were being fingered? I'm going to hazard a guess you haven't been doing much masturbating the last 8 years, but now may be the time to start. In a less pressured setting, without a partner, you will feel more relaxed while you explore ... the mental/emotional context is going to be really important, because it *has* been 8 years since you've enjoyed sex (assuming you did in the past). Like riding a bike, you may have to get used to sex feeling good again. Remember how much it hurt when you lost your virginity?

I recommend talking to your doctor, anyway. This is a medical issue, and we have to, in this country, get away from thinking that sex is something we only discuss with our intimate partners. Think of it this way, as it was explained to me by a well-known sex educator recently: doctors have complete access to the human body. They get to cut it open, take things out, put things in, and re-arrange us. They bring us into the world and they're often there as we leave it. But we can't talk to them and they don't ask us about the physiology of the part of the body that facilitates our making? Doesn't that seem strange?

Little rant aside - your doctor is (or should be) capable of discussing medical options with you. If s/he can't, find one who will.

Did they remove your G-Spot? No. The g-spot is lower in the vaginal canal and should not have been affected by your
hysterectomy. But it is internal, so trying to finger it in your current state is going to hurt. Take a look at the diagram above. The g-spot isn't a part of the organ they removed.

Is anal sex now your only recourse?

Oh, honey, noooooooooooo.

Assuming there is no medical way to resolve your painful experience with intercourse, you have many other options! You just have to start thinking beyond penetration. Take hints from lesbians who don't like penetration!

Do you enjoy clit stimulation? Let him practice his cunninglinguistics on you! There are also many toys designed to stimulate the clit and not the vagina. Many women don't experience orgasm through vaginal penetration, anyway, so there are a lot of resources available to you: check out toy sites and pay attention to user reviews.

If part of your worry is about your new guy not having a hole he can fuck - there are ways wherein you can learn to enjoy anal (if you want some tips, let me know), but if you have a serious aversion, what about oral sex? Some men prefer it to traditional intercourse. Then too, hand-jobs are an option. Some couples resolve differences in libido with one partner manually pleasing the other while talking through a fantasy. How about exploring that with him?

I'm assuming you've already told the new guy what's up. If you haven't, you should. Between the two of you, with the millions of avenues of sexuality available on the Internet, I'm confident you can design a fulfilling sex life for the both of you. That level of communication can produce an unexpected and happy side-effect: it brings you emotionally closer.

So NOW You Tell Me

2006-11-17T15:48:00.000-08:00

After several months together, my boyfriend told me he's a sub. I'm not a prude, I don't regard BDSM as dirty or scary or anything of the sort. It's just not something I've been very interested in with past partners. I'm willing to play along to a point because I love him and there's not a lot I wouldn't do to keep him happy. He means enough to me that I'm willing to test boundaries. I'm old and wise enough to know that while a great sex life isn't the ONLY ingredient of a healthy relationship, it's one that the whole recipe falls apart without. I would like the feedback of the more experienced. Specifically,

1. In past play, I've had handcuffs and the gentle use of riding crop kind of stuff. I'm OK with it, but I'm not sure how far beyond I'm comfortable. I'd like to come right out and ask what his expectations are, but I'd rather do so when we're NOT naked and in the midst. I understand that a lot of the appeal of D&S play is the element of surprise, so how do I start the conversation without asking for a play-by-play?

2. Sometimes, I just want the kind of tender, sweet, earnest sex we have now. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I very much enjoy making love to him, sitting on the couch and suddenly being consumed with a make-out session that ends in great sex. I know this will sound like a stupid question, but I'll ask it anyway... Once we cross that line, how does one gently say "Honey, tonight, I'd really just like to have regular sex"? Is this considered rude or prudish?

3. If my limits differ from his substantially, are we doomed? I know that people are like snowflakes and all, but are there subs out there with vanilla partners in happy relationships, or are you just suppressing something and feeling deprived? I'd never want him to make a long-term sacrifice of HIS happiness because of MY boundaries. That just wouldn't be fair.

First, I want to commend you for being open to exploring, and for not reacting to your man with scorn. I can tell you he agonized over how and when to bring it up to you, and it says a lot about you, him, and your relationship that he felt that he could - and that you are here asking these questions. From where I'm typing, you are miles ahead of the game.

There are as many ways to structure a kinky relationship as there are kinky relationships. If you both communicate your wants and needs to each other and are willing to compromise and be good, giving and game (to quote Dan Savage), neither one of you needs to feel as though they are missing something they need. The cool thing about being the Dominant partner is you get to set the pace, and ensure your needs are being met as well as those of your sub. If you need the loving romanticism and non-BDSM sex, you build that into your dynamic as you negotiate the rules between you.

Personally, in my BDSM relationships, while there was some role-permanency, there was also a lot of hot, vanilla sex. You don’t have to beat and humiliate and overtly dominate him every encounter. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to say “Darling, tonight I want you to make love to me.” And if you feel like it, you can always amend that by adding “And if you’re good, you’ll get a reward at another time”. Reward in that sense can mean anything you want it to - even punishment such as spanking, if that is a reward to him. It's a fallacy that at every moment you need to be actively dominating him. With my former Domme, it gave me great pleasure to "service" her, to let her lie back and experience ecstacy at my very eager tongue, fingers, toys, and otherwise worhsip her body like the goddess she was (is) to me.

I think one of the common misconceptions held by people who haven't traveled in the BDSM world is that the Dominant is supposed to know what the submissive wants without the submissive's input. You risk doing something he wouldn't want or that might damage his trust in you if you haven't had long discussions about what his submissive needs are. He should be able to tell you the things he likes and wants. That doesn't mean you follow a script. It means you know his likes, and pick and choose among them at any given time. Eventually, if you're into it and he is ready, you push his boundaries a little.

It is most likely that he has enough interests to keep you rotating through many, rather than having to act out a specific scene each time. I have also found BDSM checklists to be a useful tool to exchange between sub and Dom(me). They list literally hundreds of acts/interests, and allow each person to rank them, from wild turn on, to not willing at all. If you join Bondage.com, they have a list with question marks you can click on for a definition if you don't know the word or phrase. It's free to join - I did this several years ago specifically to send the checklist to my now ex-girlfriend/Domme.

This is going to be a negotiation process, for both of you. It can be a hot one, or it can be clinical, or it can be something in between. Communication is a big theme on this blog. I truly believe that if you say to your boyfriend everything you’ve written here, and express all your concerns, and allow him to do the same, you can easily navigate the pitfalls of a relationship where one partner starts out more kinky, or with more kink experience, or a stronger kink desire, than the other. You are dead-on in thinking naked time isn’t the best time for these negotiations.

I can’t say if your relationship is doomed if his limits are much beyond yours. It doesn’t have to be, but I think that depends on how satisfied you both are with other parts of the relationship, as well. I think you’re in a good place because you’re here, and willing to at least try this out for him. If one of you begins to become resentful that needs aren’t being met, it is quite possible this can be a deal breaker. But that doesn’t mean you should try to be something you’re not, and nor should he. There are also many ways to navigate around that. How would you feel about him seeing a Pro-Domme or non-relationship Domme for some of the more extreme things? You can set rules about that, too: like, no sex, only BDSM play.

Constantly check in and re-negotiate as needed, and chances are the two of you will be fine. That said, there is no shame in admitting an incompatibility before you damage each other greatly, and ending something that doesn’t work for one or both of you. That doesn’t mean there was never any love. It just means you recognize you want different things from life and a relationship, and allow each other to move on and find what will make them most happy. I don’t get the sense you’re headed in that direction, but I would be remiss in telling you that everything will definitely be fine.

Web Dating - Fantasy vs. Reality

2006-08-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I met this girl online in early may, we ended up talking online very very, much. We decided we liked each other, but she didn't want a long distance relationship. So around late may I found out she had a web cam, so I went and bought one. So just about every day, we would talk and chat with the web cam on, to make it feel more real. Then we started masturbating to each other on the web cams, pretty much every night. Then she'd say stuff to me like "I'm going to take your virginity" etc.

So around early July I decide I like this girl so much, and I fly out to see her for 2 weeks. So I'm there and the first night, (mind you I'm a virgin and have no experience with pussy at all) she has me start rubbing her clit, and then like 5 minutes later I go and start licking her clit. I'd say around 20 minutes later she orgasms, and it felt like she squirted on my face, but I'm not sure. And that's all we do that night.

Then the 2nd night I'm there, I start rubbing her clit again, then lick her clit again for about the same amount of time and she orgasms, then I finger her vagina for around 10 minutes, and that's all there was that night. Then the 3rd night was the same as the 2nd but I sucked on her nipples and played with her boobs, but that's all we did. Then the 4th night I end up licking her clit and fingering her vagina at the same time for about an hour and a half, and she has this amazing orgasm, and that's all we did that night.

Then the rest of the time I was there after that, there wasn't anything sexual, and she started to treat me very rudely. I'm just wondering why wouldn't she do anything to me? or Why wouldn't she have sex with me? I've been in a very hard depression ever since, and me and her hardly talk now.

You poor thing.

You just found out one of the ways internet dating can go wrong.

Why wouldn't she fuck you or give you any reciprocal pleasure? Who knows. Maybe she wasn't attracted to you in person. Maybe she found your attentions too amateurish and after a couple of attempts didn't want to try again, or go any further. Maybe she's a selfish bitch who uses impressionable guys. Maybe she's confused, and young, and doesn't know what the fuck she's doing when something isn't what she expected and hasn't figured out to treat other people in those situations.

The point is, why doesn't really matter. It's possible you will never know. It happened, and it hurt you. You put a lot of effort into fashioning a relationship with her online and over the phone. Through your interaction, you both built up idealized versions of each other based in part on projection of your needs onto each other. You shared a joint fantasy about what a potential relationship would be like. The reality, as it often is, was different, and in the heat of the moment, you had not considered that as a possible outcome.

It's okay for you to feel badly about the way things turned out. She didn't behave well. But you need to reflect a bit and acknowledge that what you lost was, at least in part, a fantasy. Sad, certainly, but not something to fall into a sustained depression over. I'm guessing you're fairly young, and that being the case, you will have plenty of opportunity to find a girl with whom to have a relationship, who won't just take advantage of you and then become non-communicative.

The one big lesson for you to take away from this is that while romances built on the internet can turn into to loving, lasting relationships, true chemistry, attraction and compatibility can't be gauged until you spend real time with someone.

Web Dating - so much potential!

2006-08-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Serrephim,

Love your blog, I'm glad I found it. Anyways I wanted to know your opinion on relationships started on the Internet. I recently "met" this guy on the net while visiting a chat room and I seem to be attracted to him, despite never meeting him in person. Should I steer away from this or see where it goes.

Sincerely,

Searching the Web

Dear Searching:

I'm all for relationships that start online. They are losing their stigma. It's no longer the refuge of geeks and social misfits who are too timid to go out and find love/sex/friendship/relationships/insert-label-here. Modern life, particularly modern American life, lends itself to this kind of meeting. Think about the time many people spend in front of computers. Think about the amount of time people spend commuting to and from jobs. Think about all the people like me, who go to school and work full time.

Many of us don't have time to do the things people used to do to find romance before the internet explosion. Once you leave university, or have settled into a career, it can become exceedingly hard to meet new friends or potential significant others. Many people have lives that provide them with a very limited sphere of influence. You know who you know, and short of joining activity groups and hanging out in singles bars, you're unlikely to meet many new people. So, your friends start setting you up on blind dates. There is no reason that is acceptable and blind internet dating is not. How are they vastly different? Your friends usually don't set you up with people they know incredibly well, and at least with someone you've met online, you have to opportunity to learn intimate details about them (provided they are being honest) before you ever agree to meet someone.

But I digress, so let me back up. You didn't ask about dating. You just want to know if it's ok to pursue something with this guy beyond chat. And I say, why not? You are interested in him so far. Sure, he could be misrepresenting himself, or be a total tool, or he could be everything you want on paper, and if you meet him, there's no chemistry. But he could just as easily be exactly as he portrays himself, someone you'd like to know better, and the two of you could have all the chemistry in the world.

So my vote is: see where it goes. Correspond with him. See if there's more to your attraction than what is already there. Move to phone conversations if you feel comfortable. It's easier to get a sense of someone if you can hear them. When the time comes and one of you suggests an in-person meeting, be smart about it. Do it in a public place. Make it a short date, like for coffee or a drink, that you could lengthen if you need to. Don't plan a dinner date. Good god, there's nothing worse than staring at a stranger across a table trying to eat a nice dinner when both of you would really rather run out the door. A drink/coffee is low-pressure. And you can always have another. Or decide to make it into a meal. Make sure a friend knows where you will be, and make sure to arrange a check in time.

There are other ways you can play the in-person meeting very safely. If it gets to that point with Mr. Internet, hit me back up and I'll lay those out for you, too. In the meantime, don't write him off! He could be your Mr. Right.

Group Dynamics

2006-08-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

This week my husband and I have introduced friends of ours into our sex life. I had my first f/f experience, it did not turn out like the hubby's wanted. She fucked me with a strapon, I couldn't cum and hubby fucked me while she rubbed my clit. Her husband jerked off during this. He asked if he could fuck me, I declined. We are getting together Saturday night for another round, they talk like there are no limits, I know he wants to fuck me and he is bi, he wanted to suck hubby. We are not really comfortable with the no holes barred rule. How do we handle this, we don't want to ruin our friendship with them, but I know our expectations about Sat. Are different. I have never done anything like this before this week, I don't want the unknown to bite my ass.

Hubby and I talked and he is OK if the other hubby fucks me, I'm undecided. I don't really think he can do anything for me, I'm no size queen but his dick is ittybitty. Anyway, any advice you can give will be needed.

From the way you write, I'm not even certain you want to be participating in group play with this couple at all, and are letting your husband's desires drive this forward. If that's the case, you really do need to be honest with him and let him know you don't feel good about this: in the long run, it's you and your emotions he's going to have to deal with, not the other couples'. Your first loyalty and concern should be for each other, and he's not going to feel good if he ultimately feels he forced you into something you didn't want.

But let's assume you do want group play, and merely have reservations about certain activities.

If you can manage, I would suggest you call off this weekend in as socially delicate a way as possible. Group play should be entered into with some degree of nervous anticipation, not with dread. You're so anxious about this, I'm worried you're going to get there, do whatever they want out of some sense of keeping social harmony, and regret every last minute of your time together later. That alone is going to put a strain on your relationship with them, far worse than postponing so you can have a discussion that will lead to a satisfying, happy encounter for all of you.

If you feel like you can't do that, you're going to have to have a talk with the couple about expectations before you start getting naked. Ideally this would be done in advance of the play date, but it looks like we've got minimal time here, so it looks like you're going to have to do it right before the main event.

It's good you and your husband have come to an understanding about whether or not it's ok for you to fuck the other guy, but I think I'm picking up that you haven't really discussed other things that are ok, and the things that make you uncomfortable. You have to do this, or you and hubby are likely to both be disappointed and unhappy with the encounter.

The step after that involves doing the same with the other couple. If you're comfortable enough to be naked with them, you have to be comfortable enough to talk to them about your individual desires, expectations, and limits. Set parameters. I can't say it enough ways: communication is key.

Your friends are coming from a good place: they're happy and excited to find like-minded souls, and like people do with so many things, are jumping into the pool cannon-ball style. You and hubby, on the other hand, are wading into the shallow end of the pool. That's ok. And
it's ok for you to negotiate. Be as plain and unequivocal as you can. "We're ok with X, but Y is not an option". Oh, and I wouldn't tell your friend you don't want him to fuck you because you think his cock is too small. Make it more an issue about agreements between you and hubby. If they've been doing this for a while, they'll understand. If they're as green as you, in the end, they'll appreciate knowing they haven't crossed any boundaries or done something to put your friendship in jeopardy.

This is play time. It's supposed to be fun. But everyone has to be playing by the same rules, you know?

Minute Men

2006-06-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

I just went out with an older man who hasn't had sex with anyone other than his ex-wife in 10 years. And he warned me that he was going to be quick. (A two-pump dump chump...if you will.) Now, we fucked, he came after I rode him for around 4 seconds. No problem! Just get hard and do it again. He got hard, tried again, with no real stamina. AGAIN. Most recently, I thought a nice, slow blow job would work. Two seconds with my mouth, and done. Don't guys have the option of jacking off to slow their response? Can't he manage this? If I am being a bitch, please let me know. Thanks.

You're not being a bitch, but neither of you is being very creative. There is SO much more to sex than cock in pussy, and he needs to learn how to satisfy *you* before he gets his cock anywhere near your pussy. And you need to understand that there are ways for him to do this. With his hands. Or his mouth. Or toys. Or vegetables. Or any or all of the above.

What you should not do is pressure him or make him feel inadequate - that will only make it more difficult for him to get and stay hard.

I don't think jacking off will stave off his orgasm. Stimulation is stimulation no matter what form it takes. He may want to try thinking about sports or something else that is distracting but not likely to make him go soft (like his mother).

Hopefully after he has more experience with you he'll be able to hold off, but you, and likely he, need to stop thinking that it's his hard dick that needs to do all the work. If he can't get hard after cumming so quickly, and has no stamina if he manages to get hard, you're going to need to employ other methods of his bringing you pleasure.

No Glove, No Love.

2006-05-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

I am one of those people who always does the right thing, puts the gum back in the wrapper before throwing it away, never steals hotel towels, etc.

But last Thursday (six days ago), I was spending the night with a girl I had just met the day before, and we started to have sex. She complained that the condom was possibly affecting my performance, so she threw it away. She then looked me in the eyes, and said "don't worry, I just had my period, so I won't get pregnant." In the end, I came inside her. I have had very few sexual experiences, and had heard that "if you're not using a condom, it doesn't make a difference anyway."

I had not had "any" for over two years, and the whole thing happened so quickly, I just did it, and I only started to really worry a couple of days ago.

Last night I couldn't sleep.

I am at a point in my life where a baby would be a complete and total catastrophe (I am renting a tiny bedroom, several months behind on some bills, etc.) I recently got a new job, so I am slowly working out of the hole I'm dug into, but would not be able to handle anything like this.

I also worried about HIV. I have only had three experiences in my life, and the prior one was over two years ago. I know that someone can be asimptomatic for several years, but a blood test I had over a year ago didn't show anything (although I don't think it tested for HIV specifically). She has only been with one man her whole life, although again, it's possible that that man was with other women. The only solution to that worry is to get tested in six months (as I understand that the antibodies don't begin to generate for several weeks/months, and are not perceptible right away).

I am really more worried that it's possible she's pregnant. I talked with her today, and she mentioned that she's not ready for a baby either, that she has health insurance and she would rather "take care of it" if it did happen.

If in fact, she is not pregnant, ... and neither of us has any conditions, I will be a changed man from this experience. You will not find me anywhere near a naked woman, unless I am in love with her and ready to have children with her.

This has been a nightmare so far!

J.

J,

I'm not so sure I can tell you anything you don't already know. You fucked up. Literally. But you know this, and you're paying the price in guilt and worry. Chalk it up to a life lesson - most of us have had an "oops" of the sort you describe. And by "oops" I mean, "yeah, I know I shouldn't do this without a condom, but what the hell, I'm going to do it anyway and I won't think about the consequences until later". Then it's later and you think to yourself "What the FUCK did I do? It wasn't even worth it." And you don't do it again.

I think swearing off women forever until you find the woman you'll marry is a bit of an extreme response to the incident in question. I'd understand it a little more if she DID end up pregnant, or if she confessed after the fact that she had HIV or another STI. But neither of those things happened. Just run your little butt down to your local anonymous HIV testing site when it's been 3 months since your unprotected encounter. And do it again 3 months later, just to be on the safe side.

While I do commend your attitude about not doing something if you're not willing to accept the consequences of your actions, - maybe you could think out of the box a little bit? There is SO much more to sex than penis-vagina intercourse. There are plenty of things you can do with a woman that don't involve your cock being anywhere near her pussy, making pregnancy very, very unlikely. You still have to worry about STIs, of course ... but there is little (although there is some) risk involved in non-penetrative sexual activity.

I think you're beating yourself up a little too much about this. Consider it a bullet dodged, and from now on, keep a safety on your gun.

Waiting for Aunt Flo

2006-05-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

What is up with this? My periods used to be on the clock - the first of the month. I've really only been paying close attention for the past year when I started having sex, but it's been so exact....until recently. First it was just a day or two later, now it's the 8th and I still haven't gotten it. There's no way I'm pregnant. So I don't get it! Is it stress? I have been under more stress the last couple months. I've also gained a bit of weight - due to stress eating. But it's annoying. Any ideas or advice? Is this normal. I should ask my gyno - but I haven't found one yet....

Ok -- first, it's perfectly normal to miss a period here and there. Stress, diet, medications, illness, loss of too much weight, excessive exercise - changes in any or all can easily result in a skipped period.

You don't get into amenorrhea (absence or suppression of menstruation) territory until you've missed your period for 3 months or longer. Prolonged exposure to conditions like stress, medications, etc., as mentioned earlier, can result in a complete loss of your period. If this is the case, some lifestyle changes are in order.

There are some easily diagnosable medical reasons you might suffer from amenorrhea, like thyroid malfunction, hormone imbalance, or a pituitary tumor. It's also possible you've developed something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, a condition that causes cysts to form in the ovaries, thereby preventing ovulation. Only a doctor is going to be able to tell you if any of these conditions are causing your late period. However, one missed period isn't enough to start worrying about these - you'll just stress yourself out more.

If you skip your period again next month, you need to get on it and find yourself a gynocologist. There are tests that will need to be done to diagnose you. At the very least, you would rule out any medical cause and learn that it was something to do with your lifestyle or environment.

If, on the other hand, you do get your period, consider this month an anomaly, and don't worry about it, unless it happens again, for more than one consecutive cycle.

Like a Hole in Your Head

2006-05-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

I've considered getting a penis peircing, and while the main concern to me is with the aesthetics of it all, and how any future potential partners might view it, should my current relationship fall through, there's one question I've found very little information about. See, having safe sex is an absolute necessity in my opinion, and I was wondering: how does a penis peircing work with a condom? Strikes me that it would greatly increase odds of breakage, but it also strikes me that having to remove it beforehand (some of the forms like the capture-ball style being rather difficult to get out at times) could contribute greatly to ruining spontaneity (and removing it even longer before causes possibilities of the hole closing, and removes some of the aesthetic appeal of getting it done in the first place). What're your thoughts on all this?

Safe sex is definitely still possible. There are some additional things you should consider:

-you're at a greater risk for STD transmission during the healing period - so that means condoms for blow jobs.

-there will be a period of time immediately following the piercing when you won't be able to have any sexual activity - ask at your piercing parlor how long that will be, it varies depending on the type of penile piercing you're considering.

In any event, you're absolutely right: piercing your cock and leaving the piercing in when you fuck (which you'll have to do for the first 6 months, give or take, to prevent the hole from closing) will increase risk of condom breakage. You can reduce the risk by using larger condoms ... though not so large that they won't stay on your dick. You'll have to stay away from the thin condoms, unfortunately. I don't have stats and percentages to throw at you, but sex with condoms is only slightly less safe if you're pierced than if not, assuming proper condom use.

Cock-Sucker!

2006-04-30T01:02:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We have GREAT sex, when we have it. When we first got together the sex was an everyday thing, sometimes 3 times a day. It consisted of lots of toys, dildos, anal, oral, EVERYTHING. It quite possibly could be that it's slowed down because of my lack of self-esteem, as I've gained some weight in the 3 years we've been together. Within the last 6 months, he demands me to give him head, and "suck him off" This being said, he does nothing to stimulate me! He just tells me to give him head, no kissing or rubbing or anything. How am I
suppose to get turned on and suck his dick when I'm not getting horny at all? He doesn't understand this. He thinks I should just drop when he tells me. I can't get into give him great head if I'm not into it! Am I wrong?

Sexually Frustrated!

How are you supposed toget turned on under those circumstances? You're NOT! I'm all for being good, giving and game, to quote Dan Savage -- but there's a requisite reciprocity that has to exist. It can't be only one half of the partnership that is GGG. You both have to be.

I'm going to be blunt, and it's perhaps not what you're going to want to hear: but it's not your lack of self esteem that has caused your boyfriend to stop fucking you, or participating in your pleasure (please tell me, at least, that you're masturbating??) ... it may be that your weight has made you physically unattractive to him. But, what he thinks doesn't factor into the point I'm trying to make. Your self-esteem *IS* responsible, but not for his lack of desire to be intimate with you.

Your lack of self-esteem is keeping you with someone who makes you feel even worse about yourself, and it's stopping you from demanding equality in your sexual relationship. No matter your weight gain, you deserve to be with someone who loves *you*, who finds *you* attractive, who wants to be pleasured by and, this is KEY, give pleasure to *you*. Do you see where I'm going with this?

You have some choices:

1) Do nothing. The likely outcome of this is he'll end up cheating on you and/or breaking up with you, and you're going to spend a good deal of time hating yourself for being a doormat.

2) Talk to him. Explain what you've said here, and tell him how it makes you feel. Try to work out with him what his issue is. It may not be about you at all, but some fact or stressor in his life that has changed. He's being a dick, but there could be a legitimate, not-related-to-you reason for it. It's one of the poorer aspects of human nature that we tend to take out our non-relationship issues on our partner.

3) Demand he meet your needs, too. Give him an ultimatum - either this relationship is reciprocal (and that means treating you decently, too, not just throwing you pity fucks so he can get a blow job), or it's over.

4) Follow through on the ultimatum you gave him in 3. If it doesn't get any better, or it does for a short period of time and goes back to you servicing him exclusively, end the relationship.

Some combination of 2, 3 & 4 is probably your best bet. If discussion doesn't work, it's ultimatum time. If that doesn't help - it's time to cut your losses. In that event, he's not worth the effect this is having on your psyche, and he certainly doesn't deserve to be rewarded with sex he doesn't have to work at, or for.

you could always

5) kick his ass out of your life Right Now, no questions asked, no passing GO, no collecting his ($200) blow job. You know him. If you don't think 2-4 is going to be effective, this is really what you need to do, for yourself - - before your self-esteem gets so low you start thinking you deserve to be treated like a second class citizen in your relationship, with no desires or needs of your own worth your partner's time and effort to meet.

And just for good measure, if you're not already, get yourself into therapy for your self-esteem and body issues. You know that saying "if you don't love yourself, how can anybody else?" It's true, but not literally. If you don't love yourself, you can't allow yourself to be truly loved. You'll either sabotage good relationships, or make really bad choices. Staying with someone who refuses you sex but demands you "suck him off" is a good example of making a really bad choice.

Don't Judge a Book Bi its Cover -- or Marketing.

2006-04-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

About 2 years ago, I had sex with a close, lesbian friend of mine who said that she "just needed some dick." We're still good friends, and I occasionally suck her off, but we haven't had dick/pussy sex since that one time. I sort of would like to fuck her again, yes, but I'd rather not press the issue. I'm happy with our relationship as it is, don't want to jeopardize it -- you know the drill. Nevertheless, I must say that the thought of having sex (not necessarily fucking) with other lesbians gives me a total boner.

Sucking a mean pussy -- being roughed up, denied air, objectified, and abused when I'm down there -- is really what I fantasize about. My question is this: where can I go to find lesbians that would be receptive to this kind of thing? I'm extremely hesitant to enter a lesbian bar, as I'm under the strong impression that I would be crossing a line. In addition, I don't want to tag along with my friend to a gay bar, either. Although even-tempered, she might be hurt or insulted by the request. I'd honestly rather leave her out of it. (Until I awkwardly encounter her at some sordid sex-event, right?)

So, to sum it up: my desire to experiment and explore does not jibe with the fact that lesbians don't necessarily like sex with men. I like to give head to, and fuck, women that are aggressive, especially lesbians. Do you know of any applicable resources I might utilize?

And yes, I have a girlfriend of 6 years. She is aware of my lusts, as I am aware of her lusting after gay boys. The lusts compliment each other, we feel. She, in typical womanly fashion, is not as eager to act on her personal peccadillo. Concerning my continuing fantasy, she is occasionally turned on by it. For the most part, I’m under the impression that she thinks it’s just somewhat cute.

Thanks for your time!

Labels, schmabels. Your lesbian friend is bi, or at least passingly hetero-curious. There are some lesbians who would consider her a traitor for getting nekkid and naughty with you. I think those women are missing Kinsey's point -- most people fall on a range somewhere in between fully heterosexual and fully homosexual. This is clearly true of your friend. If all she wanted was dick, and not, at least to some extent, the man attached to the dick -- I'm sure she has one or two in a drawer she could have used.

And clearly she's confusing the hell out of you. The fact of the matter is, most "lesbians" don't want to have romantic relationships or sexual relationships with men, no matter how many girl-on-girl pornos end up with a 3-way with the pool boy or construction worker who happens to walk in and *cue porno guitar* whip out his cock. Lesbians aren't two pieces of bread waiting for the meat to make the sandwich complete: think of them as vegetarians. They don't want what's in your (male) pants. Even if they play with plastic, silicone, rubber, glass, acrylic or organic (like a cucumber) facsimiles thereof.

So, now that we've established that about her, let's talk about what's going on with you.

I've read your question several times. I shared it with a friend, because I was curious to see if my initial reaction was skewed by my own submissive nature. My friend put it much more concisely than I'd been thinking of it, but he did echo my suspicion: "It sounds like he wants a Domme, not a Dyke".

I don't get the sense from the way you've written your question that you've fetishized lesbians in the way that most men who fixate on fucking lesbians have: you're not trying to convert them, or boldly go where no man has gone before. You seem to understand that your desire isn't going to be well received by many lesbians, and you appear to respect them and their orientation.

So that leads me to conclude what you like about it is the humiliation. The idea that you're being used, treated like not much more than a piece of meat: a glorified dildo attached to a body. There for her pleasure, when and if she wants it, with no rights to claim or ask for more. You don't need to chase after women who only want other women to find a woman who can dominate you. So get the "I need to be dominated by a lesbian" thought out of your head, and find yourself a Femme Domme, preferably one who is bi, and roleplay that "being used as a lesbian's fucktoy" fantasy. Let her rough you up, smother you with her cunt, objectify and humiliate you for being such a bad boy.

I have the same reaction to your discussion of your girlfriend's desire to top a couple of gay boys.

Shades of gray! Bisexuality! Learn it, live it, love it!

I think what you're both attracted to is not so much the off-limits orientation of these people (because you'd never get any!), but perceived notions of personality traits those people embody for you both. Rather than lust after what you can't ever have, she can certainly find guys who are bi or straight who possess whatever aspects of gay men she finds attractive (short of being exclusively gay), and you can certainly find Dommey-butch women who aren't exclusively pitching for the home team.

Does It Taste Great? No, It's Less Filling

2006-04-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

Are vasectomies 100% guaranteed? Do they change the taste of cum?

No surgery is ever 100% guaranteed, but the failure rate of vasectomies is relatively low. Current studies indicate a failure rate of anywhere from .07% to 5.4%

According to the University of Maryland Medical Center:

Pregnancy rates after a vasectomy are estimated to be very low, about 1 in 2,000. There are two primary reasons for an unexpected pregnancy:

* Residual sperm were still alive when the partners had unprotected sex. This is the most common reason for an unexpected pregnancy after a vasectomy.
* Failure of the Procedure. In some cases it is due to a technical error, but most often it is due to recanalization--when the cut ends of the vas deferens spontaneously reconnect.

It is recommended that you return to the doctor 1 year after the surgery to test for new or residual sperm.

As for the taste, presence of sperm in the ejaculate has less of an effect on taste than does diet. Sperm make up only 2-5% of the content of semen. Semen is composed primarily of fluid from the seminal vesicles (60%). The rest of the fluid is a combination of fluid produced in the prostate, and a mucous produced in the bulbourethral glands (or Cowper's glands).

Harry Palm Syndrome

2006-03-27T21:36:00.000-08:00

I was dumped by my girlfriend a couple of months ago and we only had sex two times in the five months we were together, and I'm guessing one of the factors was the fact that I could not cum with her. She said something about expecting me to have a ten incher, and I'm 5.5' when I'm erect...I don't know if I'm a midget but I sure feel like one now, I feel bad about my size every day and I guessed for what she said that size matters. The problem comes now...over the last couple of months I've developed an obsession with porn that involves women with her body type, large breasted and fat Caucasian women. I've reached the point of masturbating several times a day, and I feel extremely guilty about it. I haven't looked for a date yet, I really can't approach women at all at this point. I think I'm becoming some sort of sex addict and it's scaring me. What can I do? Am I healthy at all, or will all the excessive masturbation bring me problems?

First of all, let me say I'm sorry for what you're going through with the break up. We've all been there, and it sucks. But I think as time moves on, and you get over the loss of the relationship itself, you'll realize this is a good thing.

No one who loves you should humiliate you for your body, UNLESS that's a part of kink play to which you've both consented.

Secondly, your size is perfectly fine. The "average" penis is 5-7 inches, so at 5.5, you are nicely ensconced in "average" penis territory. Your lame ex-girlfriend is going to be single and alone quite a lot if she's only going to date and have sex with men who are 10 inches or more. She's lame both because she's holding all men to an unrealistic standard and because she doesn't realize she can have a wonderful boyfriend with a 5.5 inch penis, and buy herself a 10 inch dildo. And think of the fisting she's missing out on that I'm sure you would have given her if she'd asked (or begged).

So, now that you know your cock is fine, let's address the other issues.

It is totally normal for you to feel rejected and unwilling or unable to put yourself out into the dating scene after this sort of, well, rejection. Someone who purportedly loved you treated you like crap. But take heart, not all women are bitches! It's just going to take you some time to get back on that horse. I for one am a big advocate of the idea of giving yourself time to mourn the loss of a relationship, and deal with the issues that loss brings up for you, before getting involved elsewhere. So I'm really not concerned about your mental health simply because you haven't found it in yourself to date so soon after such a horrid last relationship.

Am I worried about your choice of masturbatory fodder? Not really, at least, not at this point, with a recent break up. Masturbation is a normal, healthy expression of your sexuality. What you choose to look at and fantasize about when you masturbate is only cause for concern if it somehow interferes with the other normal, healthy expression of your sexuality - sex with a partner. Or if it becomes so compulsive that it interferes with the rest of your life.

It makes perfect sense to me that you would masturbate to pictures of women who resemble your ex: you were attracted to her, her body type is familiar. I for one think fantasizing about something or someone familiar can enhance the experience because it triggers your sense memory, as well as stimulates your mind and cock (or in my case, pussy).

I'm curious about something you didn't say, but I suspect might be the case given the way you describe what you seem to think is your pathology: Do you imagine yourself being humiliated by your fantasy woman for the size of your cock? Feel free to disregard the rest of this if you don't, but I get the feeling you might.

That kind of fantasy is not at all unusual. A lot of people, men in particular, eroticize humiliation. It's a big part of many BDSM and power exchange relationships, and it may be that you are recognizing a submissive tendency in yourself you hadn't realized was there. A lot of people, when confronted with their submission have a reaction that includes at once an almost compulsive desire to act on it (in your case, excessive masturbation) while at the same time feeling shame both for the desire and for the expression of it. If this is the case, there is a lot of information available online and in books about BDSM, submissives and humiliation. Just know you are not the first guy to have those fantasies, you won't be the last, and there are women out there who will indulge your fantasy in a sexual way, while at the same time treating you with respect as a person, and showing you the love you deserve.

Detachable Penis

2006-03-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm asking. So I have this strap on. See http://www.goodvibes.com/ItemList--search-strap-ons--srcin-1.html and look for the one called Johnny. The Silicon balls rub against my inner thighs and create these very painful boil type things. (I know, sorry, not sexy). Also, the leather harness would create small boils where the corners would rub in my groin area. I didn't know what was causing these painful blemishes and I always was careful to "sanitize" before and after. Then someone told me it was probably the material and the friction against my skin that may be extra sensitive. Well, shortly after, my "regular" mate, dumped me and I've been celibate for a few months and it all cleared up. Well, I don't want to stop using strap on's and my partners like the realistic looking/feeling ones. What do you suggest?

It sounds to me like the friend who told you your skin was sensitive to the materials and the friction had it just right. This should be even more apparent since the problem completely went away when you stopped using strap-ons and silicon dildos for several months.

If you insist on using strap-ons, I urge you to look into harnesses that are made out of something other than leather: fake leather, fabric, rubber - all of which may be less irritating to you than leather. It's also possible that if you fasten the harness tighter, you'll reduce the friction that seems to be rubbing your skin raw.

Now, the dong material issue. I think if your partners care anything about you and your comfort, they're going to want sex to be as pleasurable and consequence-free for you as it is for them. The long and short of it: if they like you, they should be willing to forego realistic looking dildos once you tell them of your problem. If they don't, and their preference is more important to them than your health/comfort - honey, fuck 'em. And I don't mean literally, either. Personally, I don't care for the realistic dongs. They tend to be floppy, and that's not something I want in my toys. I'm also mildly creeped-out by anything that looks like it was cut off of someone's body. Give me a day-glo cock any day of the week, but keep the detached penis-looking thing away from me. Still, I'm perfectly willing to negotiate on that if my partner has a mental or physical issue with the kind of toy I prefer. You should expect no less from your partners.

Sometimes, Our Bodies Just Can't Cooperate

2006-02-28T21:09:00.000-08:00

Hey,

I've got a bit of an usual situation with my new girlfriend. She has Spina Bifida, and is fairly severely handicapped. She has very low flexibility and essentially no muscle control over her legs. This causes a fair amount of difficulty in our sex life, which, while not central to our relationship, is an important facet. Normal missionary and cowgirl positions are difficult (My penis is about eight inches long, and even given that, I really can't get much depth of penetration because she simply can't spread her legs more than a small amount), and more adventurous positions are effectively impossible. Strangely, the same issues have made the spooning position for sex impossible with her, which is generally a very easy position.

So, do you have any advice on positions or techniques which might make sex a bit easier for us? Our best work arounds thus far have proven awkward and moderately uncomfortable to at least one of us, so we're stumped at the moment.

Thanks in advance.

Without a medical education background, I am reluctant to recommend positions, but logic tells me something like doggy style would work. However, in that case you have to be careful when thrusting, as this position will enable you to penetrate more deeply and simply stated, 8 inches can hurt. Someone recommended the Downward Dog yoga position, as it is low impact on the spine. BUT, please, if you haven't already, please (reiterating) have her talk to a physical therapist familiar with her and her condition.

The reality of this situation is that it just might not be possible for the two of you to have the kind of sex you are talking about. So, we need to think outside the box. To that end, I have some other suggestions. Can the two of you be satisfied with sex that isn't "traditional" male-female penetrative penis-vagina sex? Approach it like two women not interested in strap-ons.

What about manual stimulation? Is she able to stroke your cock? Can you finger her? If she can't lie on her back and spread her legs to let you do this, if she lies on her side it should be possible for you to finger her from behind while she plays with her own clit. I understand you haven't been able to fuck her with your cock from this position, but your weight moving against her may be the issue, which won't be the case if you are using your hand, or even holding a dildo in your hand and fucking her thusly. At the same time, you can be using your free hand to stroke your own cock.

What about oral? I realize that may be difficult for you to do to her given her condition, but is she able to give you a blow job?

What about enjoying porn and masturbating together? Or simply masturbating FOR each other?

These things can be just as intimate and fulfilling, and much less likely to cause either of you physical discomfort or damage.

The Kitty's In the Bag!

2006-02-22T14:11:00.000-08:00

Well, now that the cat is out of the bag, I can tell you the reason I've been lax about posting this month is I've been helping plan a wedding*, and with that, school, and the longest job interview process imaginable, I've been seriously fucking busy!

I'll resume answering questions after this weekend.

Stay Tuned!

*congratulations MeJane & "Clyde" -- LOVE YOU!!

Blast From the Past

2006-02-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

Hi -
I've recently found your blog - and I appreciate the advice that you give, so I thought I'd ask you about my situation.
I have found the man that I love, that I will one day marry, and I am moving to live with him and I don't doubt that decision. But....here comes the question -
The man I am with and I have known each other for 8 months, and he has never cum. He told me that he has never cum with a woman, and has issues from his first sexual experience (she was catholic (eek) and just as he was about to cum, she told him he was nasty and dirty), he has always been able to satisfy me, what can I do to make him finally get there?
Thanks

I had a question pretty similar to yours a while back, so rather than re-hash a bunch of the same material, click this link

Ride 'Em, Cowgirl

2006-01-29T22:56:00.000-08:00

Hi,

I need some pointers on how to not get saddle sores while being on top. (I'm a girl.) My hips and legs get really stiff, and I can't stay on top as long as I'd like. Any ideas?

There could be several things going on here. First, how long are you playing cowgirl? We all get a little stiff in the hips and thighs if we go at that for extended periods of time. Do you get sore in any other position? If not, just limit your time in that position, pick up a kama sutra or some book of sexual positions and try to find others that you like.

It could also be dietary: lack of sodium, potassium, or dehydration can cause joint and muscle pain. A dietary change might help. Sodium is easy to increase, as is water intake: you can kill two birds with one stone by drinking sparkling mineral waters. For potassium, take a multi-vitamin and try to increase the amount of foods you eat from this list.

Do you stretch daily? If not, you should, and not just because it'll make you able to sustain the on-top sexual position longer. Also, strength and conditioning exercises that target muscles in the upper leg can help.

I can't give you a 100% guarantee that if you stretch, stay hydrated and intake adequate amounts of sodium and potassium you'll be able to maintain the position any longer than you already do, but all of those are good things for your health, so you might as well do them anyway, right?

I need questions!!

2006-01-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

A concerned fan wanted to know:

So...I was just wondering...how come you haven't posted anything for awhile?

It's not that I'm lacking advice to give! I'm simply lacking questions to respond to.

Help me help you!

Double Her Pleasure

2005-11-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

Speaking of two cocks... what can you tell us about DP?

That's a rather, um, open-ended* question, isn't it?

What do I know?

Let's start with the basics. Kids, if you've never heard of DP, aka Double Penetration ... this is when a woman is being simultaneously fucked in her pussy and her ass. The majority of people who know about DP think of it as two men fucking a woman in said configuration.

I've been DPed. Well, not by two men. I've had a cock in my ass with a toy in my pussy, and vice versa. I've had a toy in each hole. I've had a cock in my ass, and the very small fist of a woman in my pussy. I've had a guy fuck my ass while finger fucking me. I've had both my ass and pussy filled with ice cubes. But no 2 guys fucking me at once, although it's a fantasy.

Being that full is fun, and incredibly intense. Lots of lube is required. As much as for anal alone ... but much, much more. The woman needs to be extremely relaxed. You should realize that because the wall separating the vaginal and anal canals is so thin, if you are DPing a woman with another man, you will very likely be able to feel his cock as he thrusts in and out. Be very attentive to the woman, and be as gentle (or not) as she wants you to be.

If you're in a relationship, and interested in DP, I would suggest the cock and toy scenario before bringing another man or woman in to join you, unless that is something you already know you are comfortable with. Using a vibrating bullet or other vibrating toy as the 2nd insertable will be particularly fun for him.

I hope that answers your question. If you want something more specific ... let me know.

*Pun fully intended

Two Cocks Aren't Always Better Than One

2005-11-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

While browsing the web I came across this page ... http://www.sextutor.com/double-cock.shtml. This has got to be a joke, right? There are guys out there with TWO penises??? I'd google it but imagine putting "two penises" into a search engine ... 7 million porn sites and very little actual information. Can you tell me anything there, just for curiosity's sake?

It's a joke.

Diphallia, the medical term for what you describe, is a congential birth defect with extremely low incidence in the population. It is usually accompanyed by other birth defects so severe as to result in miscarriage. If the baby is born, and makes it to puberty, either one of the cocks won't function, or they both won't.

Funny You Should Mention It ...

2005-11-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

Hi!
I like reading the careful answers you give in your blog to readers' questions. I'm curious: What do you know about Instead cups? Someone recommended them to me to use when I have my period. Evidently they prevent the blood from getting out so you can have sex while bleeding. Do you know anyone who has tried these?
Thanks!

I'm not usually one to let a period stop me from getting my freak on. Not if I'm in a long term relationship ... To the extent that I wouldn't be in a long term relationship with someone who wasn't down for a bloody fuck (or for going down). I've been both the giver and receiver, and to me, there's almost nothing hotter than that level of intimacy.

But sometimes we're not in long term relationships, and the simple fact is that a LOT of women are super horny when they're on the rag, and it seems silly not to take advantage of that.

Recently, I was in a situation where a particular fantasy of mine had the potential of coming true. But my Aunt Flo is a bit finicky, and can be unpredictable within a certain amount of predictability, so I wasn't sure if she would visit this particular weekend. I was discussing this dilemma with a friend and she says "Oh, I just always use my diaphragm".

And I thought: "What a brilliant fucking idea! Why didn't I think of that one?"

Then it occurred to me: Because you don't use diaphragms because you grew up with the "use condoms or die" anti-AIDS message, and you've been a condom Nazi since you first started having sex.

Then I remembered Instead Cups, and was all set to use one if Aunt Flo arrived before I wanted her to. In the end, I didn't need to go this route. But it is one I will consider in the future.

I've talked to a couple of people who have used Instead cups during their period as a barrier for sex, and have heard mixed reviews. The consensus seems to be it does work, but if you are into using big toys, or fisting, during sex, the chance of dislodging it is high, and you'll end up spilling out what is collected inside. This is also possible with highly spirited fucking, or if your guy has a big cock.

My advice is ... go ahead and try it. It's not going to harm you, and I'm a big proponent of experimentation. But if you're considering it as a means to keep your partner from knowing you're having your period, you may as well just skip the fucking. It's deceptive, and anyone who needs to be tricked into fucking you isn't worth it in the long run. You'll be too worried about "exposure" to really enjoy it, anyhow.

Do the Douche?

2005-11-05T10:46:00.000-08:00

Have just found your blog and I love it. My boyfriend and I have both discovered this year that we LURVE anal - giving and receiving. I have a strap-on which he enjoys very much, and I'm getting more and more into receiving anal, especially while I stimulate my clit. We also both quite enjoy oral anal stimulation. Thus far we've been preparing for this by having a thorough shower, but I'm wondering if a douche might be necessary? And if so, how exactly? I'm afraid I've never douched in my life. Also, can douching be good for a "shag on the rag"?

First – I applaud you and your experimentation, and willingness to please each other. You guys rock!

Now … I’m wondering why, if you’ve been enjoying anal play for months, suddenly the idea of douching seems so important? Showering beforehand seems to have done you well so far. Unless there’s a part of the story you haven’t shared …

Really, though, there is no need for anything beyond proper normal hygiene. Showering, and cleansing with soap, including a sudsy finger in the ass, should be enough. Contrary to what you might believe, there isn’t a lot of crap just hanging around inside your anus (unless you’re currently feeling the urge to “go” that is), so in general there isn’t enough bacteria that you’d get sick from rimming, or even a spirited anal tongue-fucking. If you are indeed worried, and want to douche, it seems pretty safe. Just use warm water. And follow the directions.

Now wait. Some people might stop here and say: “douche? don’t you mean do an enema?”

And no. Anal douching is different than an enema. You use something that looks basically like a turkey baster, but with a bigger ball and a thinner tube, like this. The water isn’t going to stay inside you the way it does with an enema. It’s more like quick rinsing.

Regarding enemas (you didn’t ask, but I’m going to address them). I don’t do them. I don’t think they are necessary for my enjoyment of anal sex. I figure, part of the reason I like being fucked in the ass, is because I’ve eroticized it as something “dirty”, and it is my ass, and we don’t shit roses. I’ve never had an extremely messy situation. There has been some santorum sure, but … like I said, it’s my ass. I sort of think it comes with the territory. Also, in general, I don’t have notice that I’m going to be assfucked. With my last long term male partner, I knew it was always a possibility, so I just took care to be as hygienic as possible, short of enema/douching. We just kept towels handy. And there’s no reason you can’t continue in the shower if you need to.

For some people, the possibility of a “mess” makes anal sex undesirable, and so for them, douching or an enema is a necessary component. If you know ahead of time that you are going to be engaging in ass-play, and the douching, or enema adds to the enjoyment for you, then go for it. But like anything, frequent enemas are not medically sound. There is a great discussion/debate at AnalSexYes.com.

NOTE: Enemas & anal douching do not prevent the spread of STDs and may in fact increase the risk so take precautions when engaging in anal play after an enema: condoms for penetration, gloves for hand play, dental dams like you'd use for safer oral-vaginal sex for rimming and analingus.

As I've said before: I always advocate a latex (or viable non-latex alternative) barrier for anal play, even if you're not worried about your partner's STD status, because while there may not be enough bacteria to make you sick to your stomach, there is enough to upset the delicate Ph balance of areas like the pussy ... and that's something we want to avoid.

As for vaginal douching being good for a “shag on the rag”.

Oh honey …. Hellllll no!

Repeat after me:

Vaginal Douching is bad, mmmkay.

The pussy is a delicate hothouse flower.

It’s silly, but true. It thrives in a particular way. There is a normal balance of bacteria, but they cancel each other out. Douching disrupts that balance and messes with your body’s natural cleaning mechanisms, which actually promotes infection, not decreases it. It is natural for you to notice a stronger aroma at certain times of the month, but that doesn’t mean you are unclean. The idea that you are dirty when bleeding, is just a left-over from the days when women were separated from the rest of the tribe during that part of their cycle. I, however, am of the “yay for bloody fucks!” school of thought. For me, that comes in the context of a fluid-bonded, long term relationship. I discuss this at length here

If you are healthy, and hygienic, you will still have times each month when you notice a different odor, and that is a natural part of your menstrual cycle. Unless the odor is truly offensive and you have other symptoms, like unusually textured or colored discharge, or pain/itching, there is nothing wrong with you and douching is only going to leave you more open to infection. Those are symptoms of some kind of infection (not necessarily an STD) and you should see a doctor for diagnosis. Douching will simply mask, and exacerbate, your symptoms.

Note to ANYONE considering douching, or requiring it of your partner: Please read the discussion of medical risks in this article: Douching: Perceived Benefits but Real Hazards by W. Steven Pray & Joshua J. Prey.

References:

The Great Enema Debate: Enemas and Anal Sex

Douching Linked to Vaginal Infections: Largest Study to Date Confirms Risks

Analingus: The Curious Lovers' Guide to Oral-Anal Contact

Let Him Be "The Tutor"

2005-10-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

I happened to come across your blog page and I have a question for you. I am 18 and have had sex numerous times but I have never given a guy head. It's not that I don't want to I just haven't yet and now I shy away from it because I feel like I'll be bad and guys will expect more. I would really like to please my boyfriend and surprise him and give me a blow job but I'm kinda scared because I don't know what to do exactly. I was wondering if you could give me some personal tips or advice.

I think I would approach this a slightly different way. Surprises are nice and all, but giving head isn't a paint-by-numbers activity. I don't really have a technique, per se, other than having been trained into a relaxed gag-reflex which makes deep-throating easier. Mainly, I try to make adaptability the theme when it comes to giving head, to either gender. Everyone likes it a little different.

If I were you, I would wait until I was making out with him sometime, pick a good moment and say something like "I want to try something ... I've never felt comfortable enough with a guy to suck his cock before, but I do with you. I don't want to disappoint you though. Will you let me suck yours, and tell me what you like and want me to do while I do it?"

That specific language may be a little too much for you, but I think you get what I mean. A lot of guys like the idea of boldly going where no other guy has been before. I think this explains the stereotypical heterosexual male's fascination with lesbians. So let him know he's the first, be enthusiastic when you're blowing him, and let him guide you*

I really don't think you'll go wrong with that approach.

A few mostly universal things:
-Watch your teeth (some guys like teeth. In my experience, the majority do not)
-Ball licking/sucking is usually appreciated
-If you can't deep-throat and his cock is too long for you to take all the way in comfortably, use a hand, or both, on the base of his cock to supplement what your mouth cannot do
-making eye contact with him when his cock is in your mouth is really hot

*guide you verbally. A lot of guys like to hold your head and fuck your mouth. Some women like that, but many do not. I would reserve that level of cocksucking until I was a little more comfortable with the activity itself if I were you.

Myth of the Simultaneous O

2005-10-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

I am unable to allow myself to orgasm with any man I have ever been with. I am able to orgasm with myself using a clitoral vibrator. I think this is because I was the victim of incest. This hasn't been a problem until now, I have found the love of my life who brings me closer than anyone else. I desperately want to come when he comes. What is the best small unobtrusive toy for me to use (I do need powerful stimulation) during sex to make this happen? Thanks so much in advance.

Let's not put the cart before the horse here, darlin'. Not being able to get off from penetrative penis-vagina sex is a completely separate issue from not being able to get off with your partner there at all! I'm not quite sure which camp you fall into, but I'm going to address this as though you can't come in his presence, because if it's just that you don't come when his cock is fucking your pussy, I have some potentially bad news for you: It is entirely possible you never will. Do some googling and you'll find that a good deal of women only come from clit stimulation, and often times, the friction from penis-vagina sex isn't enough, even if she's on top. So, we need to stop you right here thinking that you are somehow deficient because intercourse doesn't get you off, it that is what you're saying.

So, before we get you to have simultaneous orgasms with your man, assuming that is even possible for you, we need to get you comfortable having an orgasm when he's there. You come from clit stim with a vibe on your own. YAY! But have you ever come from fucking yourself with an insertible, sans clit stim? If you've tried but it hasn't worked, it makes perfect sense to me that you can't come from traditional male-female intercourse. If you haven't tried ... buy yourself a dildo or insertible vibe and get to it, Missy!

Your next step is going to be to masturbate in front of him with the vibrator and/or insertible, or let him use it on you, until you orgasm. I'm going to suggest you need something more than a "discreet" vibe for this task. I want you to try something that is almost guaranteed to make you come: one of the vibrators I discussed here. He should not be fucking you with his cock during this exploration (though you can certainly finish off with that, if you like). This is about both of you exploring your body and you getting more comfortable with him. You're going to have to be patient and it's possible it won't work right away. But if you do this, you're going to become more comfortable, which will relax you, which is most likely the barrier you're having, and this most certainly has something to do with the incest in your past. I hope you're already doing this, but if not ... you should be seeing a therapist to deal with the issues molestation can cause.

Now as for the simultaneous orgasm thing: I really wish people wouldn't make this a goal. For some people, it happens by chance. I frequently come when my male partner comes in my pussy or ass, but that's because I've got a hair-trigger ograsmic response. This isn't the case for most women. In fact, some women spend most of their lives never coming with a partner. Have you read my ex's blog? In a recent entry, she describes the first time she ever came with a partner (or in this case, two) ... at 44. Some couples are in-tune enough to come at the same time. But this requires being able to recognize sensations in your body that are pre-cursor to the orgasm, the ability of one of you to hold off until the other gets there, or to come on command, and LOTS of communication. Even if you do get to the point where you come while he's fucking you, coming simultaneously will just be a stroke (pun intended) of luck.

He Keeps On Going - But Never Cumming

2005-10-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have just become a fan of your blog - and I have a question that I hope you can help with......

Simply said - my boyfriend can't cum. Though he can stay hard forever, and make me have orgasms like I never have had - he can't get there. Nor can he get there through oral sex.

He warned me about it before we ever had sex - saying that he has NEVER cum with a woman (we're both in our 30's). It seems he was scared by the first girl he was ever with, she told him he was "dirty and gross" right before he was about to get off.

How do I get him to be able to cum with me????

My first question is, can he cum, ever? Does he come when he masturbates on his own? If it is only that he can't cum from sex with a partner, then I would suggest always having him finish himself off after he's fucked you to your satisfaction. Get into watching it. Talk dirty to him while he's stroking his cock, or let him talk dirty to you. Or talk dirty to each other. Let him cum on you if you're into it: your tits, your stomach, your neck, and your face are all good targets. From there, see if he can teach you to jerk him off the way he likes. If he can get off from your hand, he may be able to train himself to cum with you otherwise. Give it a shot! Even if it doesn't solve the problem, watching him jack off will be hot!

It is possible it is a psychological thing, stemming from his early experience with the woman calling him dirty & gross. (Small aside: we hate her! Humiliation like that is only cool if both parties are consenting. Otherwise, it can be truly damaging). Just as it is one of the major causes of impotence, performance anxiety is a leading factor in inhibited male orgasm. It would be best for him to work through these issues with a therapist. That might not be something he wants or thinks he needs to do, and you can't push him into it. Tread lightly if you discuss this option with him.

If it is all in his head, the masturbating himself to completion after fucking you senseless may or may not work, but is definitely an option to try. In the meantime, just be loving and reassuring to him that he is good, and sexy, and not dirty (some of us like being called dirty, but your man is clearly not someone who has eroticized that kind of humiliation), and try not to add to his anxiety by pressuring him. It is wonderful if you want him to experience that kind of pleasure with you. But if you want it because it makes you feel like less of a woman, he's going to know that and that added pressure is only going to make the situation worse.

If he truly never cums, even alone, is it possible your boyfriend is on an anti-depressant or some other prescription medication that inhibits orgasm? If he is on any medications, research them for sexual side-effects. Depending on what the medication is for, there might be alternatives that have different side effects that don't inhibit orgasm. It is also possible that whatever the medication is for, the sexual side-effect is less detrimental to him than not taking it. In that case, it may just be something you have to live with. As long as you are satisfied, and he is happy with your sex life, I wouldn't let it bother me very much.

It is also possible he has a physiolgocial problem, that he may well be unaware of. A number of physiological conditions inhibit orgasm. Low testosterone, elevated prolactin levels, any neurological disease that reduces peripheral sensation or impairs functioning of the sympathetic nervous system, injuries to the spinal cord, following surgical interventions, etc. He will know if he's had any injuries or surgeries that might have an affect. But having his hormone levels tested might reveal that it is a physical problem that can be regulated through medication or horomone treatments. This is probably the easiest of all of the possible issues to remedy.

Quick Sex Tip of the Day - Anal sex is not effective birth control

2005-10-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

From our good friends at Wikipedia, comes the following:

"Anal intercourse, however, is not a reliable method of birth control, as it is still possible for semen to spill into the vagina, although very rarely, and result in pregnancy."

Birth control and STI-prevention aside, I for one always advocate the use of condoms for anal sex, even between fluid-bonded partners, simply because it makes clean up easier, and decreases the risk of spreading bacteria.

All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

2005-10-04T20:45:00.000-07:00

As the The Assturbatrix™ it seems incumbent opon me to post a picture of my ass on my blog, given my hot ex has done it and she isn't reviewing anal sex toys.

In some weird way, I feel I must keep the chain going.

I'd apologize for the bruises for those of you who are squicked by such things, but the person who gave them to me might be offended. And I happen to think they're pretty.

The Assturbatrix™ Is In.

2005-09-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

The Assturbatrix™, you ask?

Yes, you see ... I've recently begun a side-gig as sex toy reviewer for an online toy company. Specifically, anal sex toys. Thanks in part to this blog of mine. They're not paying me, but will be linking my blog. There. Full Disclosure.

Except maybe you're wondering why I'd be willing to do it? Well ... We're here, aren't we? Seriously though, I happen to enjoy anal play quite a lot, and I have no problem telling people what feels good, and doesn't. Done well, it feels incredible for both partners, can be very intimate (or dirty and depraved if that's what you like), and can be done often. So, if by playing with anal toys, and telling people about it, I help some people find fun toys to play with, and they get off, or at least have fun trying ... Well Fuck On!, that's the point.

Anyway, I find it amazingly fitting that mere days before I go up on their site as the anal toy reviewer, and by complete coincidence, I get the following question:

Is there any method or product to allow me to have anal intercourse more often/ for longer? My gay friends say that anal loving is a process like losing your virginity: it hurts at first and gets easier over time. Sounds good, but my experience has been different.

After turning 30, I discovered that I loooove the sensation of anal penetration while I stimulate my own clit. (My partner's pretty thrilled that I like it so much too) The only thing preventing us from doing this more is the ouch factor. My skin/ sphincter/ anal region only seems to be able to take 3 or 4 minutes of intercourse per week. More mileage than that and it hurts. For a week.

Yes, we use an extra thick lube, take lots of time with foreplay, and I'm nice and relaxed before we start.

Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Don't want my brown eye to be blue

Ok, here's what we know so far (and we're off to a good start!):

-You looooooove anal penetration with clit stimulation. (YAY!)
-You use lube (and it's thick)
-You are relaxed from lots of foreplay (always good)

But, intercourse lasting longer than a few minutes puts you out of commission for a week. That, as you know, isn't good.

You could always go the desensitizing cream route, and some might advise that, but I want to nip that one in the bud right now: Pain in your ass is bad, and means you may well be damaging yourself, so STOP. You know that. So what do you do?

Let's start with what you mean by foreplay. For me, foreplay before a good ass-fucking usually includes a good spanking, the use of fingers or small dildos in my ass, often butt plugs, a good deal of pussy fucking, and a lot of orgasms. The point is not just to be relaxed, but to make sure that your sphincter (I really wish there was a hotter word for that) is relaxed. I've found that, at a certain state of arousal, after the above, I can orgasm from anal sex alone. I think in part because if you experience g-spot orgasms and have certain level of sensitivity, the friction and pressure from the cock thrusting in your ass stimulates the g-spot, too.

It could also be a lube issue. I have not noticed the thickness or thinness of the lube to make as much of a difference as the very, very liberal application, reapplication, and re-reapplication of whatever lube you use. If you put 20 anal lovers in a room together and ask them to tell you the best lube, you may not get 20 different answers, but you'd certainly get a few. I personally swear by the "intimate moisturizer" made by Vagisil, which is very thin. A lot of people like KY Jelly. Some like KY Gel. Some like Astroglide. Some like various Eros Pjur products. Some like Wet. I'd advise you to try a number of different lubes, just to see if that is indeed the issue. Whatever you use, use WAY MORE than you think you have to.

My tried and true method to get over any initial "discomfort", is that, after having lubed both his cock, and your ass, and his first thrust (speed should be up to you), he pulls out and you both re-lube. I'd advise wearing latex or nitrile gloves (they come in different colors, too!) for any hand-anal combination, even if that's just his or your hand on his cock after it's been in your ass.

After that, I would say 90% of the time, I've enjoyed fairly prolonged thrusting, if I've followed the advice I'm about to give you.

It may be as simple as the friction drying the lube out over time, and if you are using a condom (and I think you should, even with a fluid-bonded partner), that will dry it out even sooner. Basically, you need to keep reapplying lube from time to time, as your ass is very absorbent, and not self-lubricating like your pussy.

The Golden Rule, in my opinion, for enjoyable anal sex is, "If you think you've used enough lube ... use more".

If you've done everything I've mentioned above, and it is still too painful to continue after more than a few moments, I would suggest minimizing anal play to toys that don't move, like butt plugs, for your pleasure, and make the thrusting-intercourse more like a treat for the both of you, a grand finale after some really great pussy fucking (or oral). I know that may not sound as great as a free-for-all ass-pounding extravaganza ... but we don't want to damage you!

Slow And Steady Wins The Race

2005-09-15T10:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's the thing - I've only been with a few guys, and really only hadsex 3 times. But, I've never had an orgasm with guy. Neither throughintercourse, nor myself or him playing with my pussy with hands or toys. It just hasn't happened. I have no trouble having orgasms when I'm alone playing with my toys, but it's mostly from attention to my clit. It's strange - sometimes when I have either a dildo or a dick inside my vagina I don't really feel anything. Is this normal? Any advice? I'm new to the whole "sex" thing and I really just want to know what's going on...

Thanks for your help,
Alice

It is totally normal! As a matter of fact, you are already ahead of the game in that you’ve had orgasms on your own! That means you know what it feels like and will know when it happens when you are with a partner (yes, yes, I know: thank you, Captain Obvious).

So let's get into this: you say you’ve only had “sex” three times. By that I think you mean cock-in-pussy penetration. There are some women who can't come from vaginal penetration alone, and who require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. You may fall into that group, but I think it may be too soon to tell. Some women are able to reach orgasm from clit stim long before they ever come from internal stimulation alone. I fall into the latter group. I don’t remember what age I was when I had my first orgasm; I always remember being sexual, but it was fairly early. I discovered if I angled myself just right when the bath water was running, I could get myself off. I didn’t know what it was, exactly, that I was doing, but I knew if I stayed there long enough, I would have this weird building, tightening feeling wash over me, and eventually, this little explosion that left me all warm and tingly.

Fast forward through my first forays into sex and a lot of masturbatory exploration, and at 17 I had my first orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. There were, however, quite a few years in between my first orgasm and my first vaginal orgasm, even though I was young.

My point is, in just three encounters, I think it’s too early to say whether you can or cannot come from penis-vagina sex. It’s still new for you. I’m not sure under what circumstances you’ve had sex (long-term boyfriend? Friend? Some dude you brought home from a bar?) … but it’s quite possible there’s a level of discomfort you’re experiencing that is preventing you from being relaxed enough to come. Or maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself, or he is by refusing to give up until you get off, or attaching his ego to your orgasm. I’m leaning more toward the idea that it’s a bit of stage freight on your part, preventing you from being completely relaxed and comfortable.

As long as you enjoy the encounters, why not keep trying? You can still masturbate for orgasms later. I know it’s a bit frustrating, but sex doesn’t have to be about the orgasm alone: it’s nice to be intimate and connect with another person on that level and feels good even if you don't come. It’s perfectly acceptable for one partner to get off even if the other does not. My libido is invariably higher than my partner’s, so I’ve had a lot of sex where I was the only one getting off. Typically this has also meant that I was receiving but not giving attention. Now, before you go and call me selfish, I will point out that most of the time I was tied up and couldn’t do anything but submit to the pleasure - or pain, but that’s another question entirely.

Actually, no. Let me address that. There are some people who need specific things to achieve satisfaction. For some people it’s an object, like panties. For some, it’s a specific act, like foot worship. Those would be Fetishists. Some people need to feel pain and/or be submissive. Some people like to hurt others and/or be dominant. They’re into BDSM. The point being, the specific combination of things needed for people to get off is as unique as each individual.

Please don't be discouraged because you haven't come the way you think you're "supposed to" yet. There's a learning curve with everything that's new: remember learning to ride a bike? You wobbled a whole lot, and perhaps even fell, before you got really good at it, right?

Give yourself some time to get used to sex with a partner, and just enjoy the encounters for what they are. Keep communicating, keep experimenting, and my intuition tells me you will eventually come with a lover.

Sybian: The Energizer Bunny of Toys.

2005-09-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

Here is another question for you... I have heard of this thing called a Sybian. Do you know about this and have you tried it?

Thanks, as always.

Miss B.

Simply put, Miss B, a Sybian is a fucking machine. Once turned on, it fucks and fucks and never gets soft. They're not cheap!

I myself have not used a Sybian, nor have I personally seen one used. I have seen video, however. I have also seen a non-motorized version, The Rider Fuck Machine used at a party.

The Rider looked pretty fun, but I'd rather just get myself a suction dong like stick it to a wall or a chair, and have at it! It costs less($29 vs. $799.99), is more easily portable, and can be tucked away in a drawer.

I invite my readers to weigh in, if they have tried a Sybian or other fucking machine. Like it? Hate it? Indifferent to it?

Good Vibrations ... Sweet Sensations

2005-08-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

Hi,

Here's a question for your sexual healing blog...

Why is the Hitachi Magic Wand/Acuvibe so great? How is it better than other vibes? And most importantly, how exactly do you USE it to get off?

I myself do not own and have never used these types of toys. I do own a few others, including penis-shaped vibes and also a micro-mini vibe that is really cute, pocket-sized, and surprisingly powerful for something that runs on watch batteries!

Anyway, I've heard all the hype about the magic wand before...so what's the deal? Do you actually insert that into the vagina, or do you use it externally? Please enlighten me, or perhaps even inspire me to get one!

Thanks,

nicole

Oh, honey ... where do I start?

First, the Wand and Acuvibe are slightly different. The Wand must be plugged in at all times in order to function. The Acuvibe must be plugged in to charge, but is capable of functioning without being plugged in. Just make sure to keep it charged as there is nothing worse than being ohsoclose to cumming and then you feel its power start to fade and suddenly it stops vibrating altogether. The Wand is slightly more intense: to me, the Wand's "low" feels like the Acuvibe's high. I personally prefer the Acuvibe's portability, and do not need the extra strength of the Wand.

Now, the mechanics: No, the Wand or Acuvibe themselves are not meant to be insertibles. They're for stimulation of the labia and clit. The head of the Acuvibe is perfectly shaped for this. The Wand is more a complete cylinder, but the Acuvibe has a nice little indentation that fits the female form quite well. You hold them against your clit, the amount of pressure depends on what you can take, and soon after, you give yourself a mind-blowing orgasm. Some women find the intensity a little much at first. If you find yourself to be one of those, start by using the vibe on the outside of your pants or panties, or wrap it in a towel.

Now ... here's where things get tricky. They make attachments for the Wand/Acuvibe.. And the attachments are insertible. They are marketed as Wand attachments, but they truly fit both (I've done a side-by-side experiment).

The Curved shaped attachments are for G-spot stimulation. The pink transparent and solid blue attachments are hollow on the inside of the "arm" or insertible portion. They vibrate quite nicely when the Acuvibe or Wand are turned on. I've found them to have Far more intense vibrations than any battery operated vibe I've tried. The pretty tie-dye blue curved attachment is my personal favorite. It is made of solid silicone, and seems to hug the female anatomy better than the other two. It comes complete with a little nub that rests right against your clit when the dong part is all the way inside you. Together with the internal vibrations, the effect is mind-blowing.

I have not yet tried the straight attachment, so I can't comment from personal experience, but a good friend of mine tells me she prefers it to the others because curved shaped g-spot stimulators tend to give her trouble. If you've experienced any discomfort in the past with g-spot stimulators, I would avoid the curved Wand/Acuvibe attachments ... you want to get off, not injur yourself!

Now I'm going to confuse things even MORE for you. If you're aroused enough, and have been fisted, it IS possible to insert just the head portion of the Wand or Acuvibe into your pussy. I've had this done to me on two occasions, and have to say, it is one of the most intense things I've ever experienced. Being that full, with the power of the Acuvibe or Wand not diffused through an attachment, brings 4 words to mind "Oh my fucking god".

I've never heard anyone complain about the Wand or Acuvibe ... in fact, from those to whom I've recommended them, I've heard nothing put praise and rave reviews.

I cannot speak highly enough of these toys. Let me put it to you this way: I've always been capable of female ejaculation. My former girlfriend was making me squirt pretty much weekly for a number of months, usually through a combination of intense hand or toy g-spot stimulation, with the Acuvibe on my clit. But in the last couple of months, with the Acuvibe alone, and no internal g-spot stimulation, I've managed to make myself squirt almost every time I've used it.

Reach Out & Touch Someone

2005-08-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

Here's a fun question for ya:

I moved about 1,000 miles away from my boyfriend to take a temporary contract job, so I see him only once a month. This means I have sex only one weekend a month. I'm used to have copious amounts of sex whenever I want. Do you have any *healthy* suggestions for dealing with this until my contract is over? So far, I've been eating enough ice cream to keep Ben & Jerry's in business for decades.

Difficulty: No sex toys

signed,
PlatKat

Well, PlatKat ... First a question for *you*. No sex toys? Why not? No place to buy them where you are currently living? Too expensive? Or, do you just not like them?

If you are suffering from lack of access to affordable sex toys, you have 2 choices. You can look at the products on the sites I listed in Quick Sex Tip of the Day - Toy Stores. Or, for the truly budget conscious, you can get creative with phallic shaped fruits and vegetables (cucumbers, bananas, zucchini, several varieties of squash, etc.) or other phallic-shaped objects. Anything hard and roughly in the shape of a penis will work. Just make sure whatever you use is clean, and don't use anything that might have bits that break off inside you.

I am currently having sex at about as often as you are, and like you, am used to much greater frequency. In the past, when I've had periods of relative celibacy with infrequent sex at some sort of regular interval, it was much harder to cope with my overactive libido (I could happily fuck like 4 times a day and still be ready and willing to go again). This time around, there is something different going on. Partially it is that I have grown to understand my body much more in the last couple of years, which means I have a greater repatoire of methods to satisfy myself. But I also attribute a lot of it to my discovery of toys.

For years, I had a dildo and a weak battery-operated vibrator, but generally masturbated with my hand; clit stimulation mostly, with occasional insertion, which provided relief but didn't really satisfy the deeper craving. Having recently spent more than a year having sex almost exclusively with another woman, I grew accustomed to all manner of dildos and vibes. I was introduced to the Acuvibe, for which I will forever be grateful, and discovered the joys of a toy cock that can suction to most any surface imaginable. They may not be able to cuddle me and tell me they love me (or pull my hair or spank me or do some of the other naughty things I like) but fuck, do they make me cum again and again.

If you just don't like toys, ask yourself why not? There is nothing wrong with giving yourself pleasure. Playing with ourselves sexually is a natural human instinct. If you're going to play, you might as well use toys, right?

If you care to write back, by email or as a comment to this post, and clarify your issue with sex toys, I may be able to offer something more on that specific front.

Or maybe I'm just coming at this question the wrong way. Maybe you're saying masturbation just isn't fulfilling because you're used to copious amounts of sex with a partner, and it is the energy of the other that you are missing. There are ways you and your boyfriend can still be involved in each other's sex lives on a more regular basis, regardless of the distance.

You might try phone sex. You could listen to each other masturbate. He could tell you how to touch yourself, jerking off while he listens to you comply, or vice versa. You could describe fantasies to each other, and masturbate in unison. You could tell each other in graphic detail about last time you masturbated, what you did to yourselves, and what you were thinking about.

If you find it difficult to voice your desires aloud, consider cyber sex. Any of the vignettes I mentioned for phone sex can work via Instant Message, if both of you have private access to computers. If you're daring, and you have private internet access and web cams, you could even put on shows for each other. Again, the phone sex vignettes I mentioned could be employed over web cam to great success.

Another option to consider is an open relationship during your contract period, so that both of you are free to pursue sexual relationships with other people. This is not an arrangement most people are prepared to handle, so give it a lot of thought before discussing it with your boyfriend. If you do indeed decide to go this route, take care to establish boundaries, make sure they are clear, and communicate honestly and often. There are a lot of resources available online regarding Polyamory, the term used to describe people who have multiple intimate relationships (different from Swinging, which implies couples who swap or merely have sex with other couples/people). Reading The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt is a really good place to begin if you are going to consider a polyamorous lifestyle or relationship.

If Poly doesn't appeal to you at all, and you don't want to end your relationship (which is another option, but you don't mention being unhappy with your relationship other than missing your boyfriend and more frequent sex, so I'm not advocating that option, though it certainly exists), masturbation seems your best bet. With all the communication technology available today, masturbation does not have to be a completely solitary event.

Most importantly, try to think of this time as an adventure. Learn as much about your own body and how to please yourself as you can in the meantime - it'll make you a better lover and better able to tell your lovers what you want. Armed with self-knowledge and the willingness and ability to communicate with your lover, your sex life can only improve.

She Wears a Two-Way

2005-08-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

In the Bowling for Soup song "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" there is a song line "she wears a two-way but I'm not really sure what that means", well my daughter asked me what that means and I have no more idea than the singer. I like to be able to explain things to my teenagers when they ask. What if I am wearing one and don't even know it???? Can tell me what the writer of the song is referring to?

Thanks, and by the way, as a much older woman you have loads to look forward to!!!

sirreene

Sirreene:

I am not familiar with the song you are talking about, but to my knowledge, Two-Way could be referring to one of two things ... and no, it's not a sex act!

It could mean that she's wearing a pair of underwear that appear to be giving her both a wedgie and camel-toe at once.

On the other hand, it could mean she has a Two-Way Pager that allows her to send and receive text messages without having to use a phone to call the person back, or one of those Mobile phones that act as a walkie-talkie as well as a cell phone.

Or it could be something else entirely, that I don't know about -- but one of those is probably what the song means by "Two-Way". Most likely, given the context of the song, it's talking about the Pager/Walkie-Talkie.

But, just in case .... make sure you keep your thongs in place!

Wait ... what gives? He can't cum?

2005-08-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

Two questions.

Since I've gotten out of a 9 yr relationship (he was the only guy I have ever been with) , I've been excited to try new lovers! That last two guys I've had sex with have left me a little clueless though.

1.) He was 38 and when we had sex he pulled out right when he was about to orgasm and jacked himself off instead (& yes we used a condom)! ! I was left a little dumbstruck. Isn't the climax the best part (with a man) ? Why have sex with someone when you're just going to finish off w/ your hand?

2.) I have a fuck buddy now. We have a lot of fun when we have sex (3x that we have) but he has never finished! He is very attentive and can last forever but I have yet to see him climax. And to be honest, I think he just finishes himself off in the bathroom. When questioned about it...he just shrugs and says he's not that sensitive bc he drinks a lot. (Huh?) But he always has an erection. He's 23 and isn't that prime time for sex?

I'm beginning to think it's me! What do you think? Although it's not fair to compare, but in my long relationship, the sex was really good and he always finished. So I guess I expected the same. HELP!

Michelle
Well, Michelle, there's a lot going on here!

Where do I begin?

Let's address the 38 year old who pulled out and jacked himself off instead of cumming inside you. This is not at all unusual, and there can be any number of reasons. It's possible vaginal sex (with any woman) doesn't provide the right amount of friction and pressure for him to get off. Maybe he'd been masturbating a lot lately. Maybe he'd popped viagra without your knowledge. Maybe he likes to finish himself off manually every time, and that threw you off because you're used to your Ex.

It could be something as simple as the condom. Some men just can't cum with them on. I'm not sure what age your long term partner was, but it's not unusual for men who are currently in their mid-thirties and beyond to dislike condoms, or to find it difficult or impossible to orgasm in them. A 38 year old man was 18 in 1985. Depending on his precociousness, he may have been having sex for a couple of years by then. I mention 1985 because this is the point when HIV/AIDS became a huge part of our consciousness, and pretty much anyone coming of age after that was going to have the "use condoms or die" message driven into them in sex education classes, by the media etc., whereas before that, condom use was relatively low. It's also possible he'd recently been in a monogamous relationship where condom use wasn't necessary.

Imagine what it would feel like to have your pussy wrapped in latex, and to have to experience all sensation that way? It would still feel fantastic -- but muted, and you'd probably find it a bit harder to get off. Now imagine you'd had quite a bit of condomless sex. It's not a secret message he's sending you. By using his hand, he was looking out for both of you! No unwanted STIs, no unwanted babies, and he still got off, as I'm assuming you did, as you didn't mention not cumming yourself.

Now, let's talk about your 23 year old stud and his inability to cum. It could be the drinking ... but that's more likely to be true if he's drinking a lot right before you fuck. If he masturbates a lot, and is used to a particular kind of stimulation, that could also affect his ability to orgasm from intercourse. There are lots of other reasons, both mental and physical ... the point being, again, it's not a statement that there's something wrong with you, or with him even. It just means maybe he can't come very easily from traditional penis-vagina intercourse, and he's not alone!

There doesn't have to be a goal to sex. Think of all the women out there who don't cum from the old in-out, but require manual or other stimulation to the clit, as well, or instead - a lot of them still have, and enjoy sex, right? It's not like a race to a finish line that you both need to cross at once, or even close to the same time. Sex is nice, and fun, and it feels good, and it's a way to connect with another person, and experience intimacy. If it were just about the orgasm, you could do that all by yourself without the help of the other person.

Think about girl on girl action for a minute. Because of anatomy, unless they are 69ing each other, jilling each other off simultaneously, fucking a double-ended cock, or masturbating in front of each other at the same time, chances are likely the orgasms of the partners will be separated by a good deal of time. It is very common in girl-girl sex to have all the attention focused on one partner until her orgasm, and then the partners switch and the provider of pleasure becomes the receiver. There are a lot of heterosexual people who find the traditional idea of sex rather boring, and follow the first me-then you-and sometimes both of us model.

I say, as long as they're getting you off, and express their own satisfaction with your encounters, don't worry so much about how, or when, they cum. It's not a comment on your abilities or your womanliness, anymore than it is a comment on a man's prowess if he can't make a woman cum with his cock in her pussy alone. Everyone's body works a little differently, and I for one love the excitement and adventure of finding out how.

Did I mention I'm Bi?

2005-08-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

I think I did, but in case you missed it -- yep, I like boys and girls.

I mention this because, while the tips may be targeted at the pleasure of one gender, often out of necessity, I want my tips and advice to be for a gender non-specific "you", taking into account all orientations. For example, when talking about a blow job, I obviously don't mean giving head to a woman, but the blower could be any gender at all.

At last, a question!

2005-07-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

Here's a question for you: what do you think about the subject matter of this person's blog entry? http://amourosity.blogspot.com/2005/07/blood-sex-magic.html

Love your blog!

Miss B.

For those of you too lazy to click the link, Amourosity is the blog of a blogger named Lighterate, and the entry in question deals with intercourse and oral sex with a woman during her period. Lighterate, newly added to my list of really cool men, believes that menstruation shouldn't prevent sexual activity ... or cunnilingus. His little treatise is well worth a read, and I love that he's figured out what seems to be "secret" information about women, their response to each month's visit from Aunt Flo, and the fun that can still be had.

The two most important issues raised by Lighterate, I believe, are the ideas that a lot of women are horny during their period, and that going down on a woman at that time of the month doesn't result in a mouth or face full of period blood.

I for one am always horny the first day of my period. (Some people would say I'm always horny, but I do note an increase the first day). Day two for me involves severe cramping, but once that goes away, I'm back to an increased horn. Something NOT mentioned by Lighterate, who wouldn't have known this not experiencing it first hand, is that orgasm can be an incredible cramp reliever. Aggressive fucking might not be the best idea for a cramping woman, but a nice orgasm brought on manually, orally, or with our friends the Acuvibe or Magic Wand, might be just what she needs to make her stop feeling like her uterus is trying to crawl out of her body. Not every woman experiences a Period Horn. Most of the women I know do.

"Ewww, going down on a woman on the rag is gross and messy" you say?

Gross, maybe. That's entirely subjective. Messy? Not so much. You know how the clit is a couple of inches away from the pussy opening? And you know how, when you're licking a woman's clit, or sucking it, or nibbling on it very gently, your tongue, lips and teeth don't generally contact the mouth of her pussy? Well ... What makes you think you're going to pull a Dracula and gulp gallons of blood? (I should point out now that women don't lose a gallon over the course of an entire period, let alone during one sexual encounter). When I've given head to a woman on her period, the most I got was a tiny amount of menstrual blood on my chin; nothing to complain about, and certainly not worth abstaining over.

Penetration during a period is more messy, but the mess is easily solved, as Lighterate points out, by laying a towel beneath the woman. Personal experience has taught me black towels are the way to go. Condoms can be placed on cocks (real and toy), latex and nitrile gloves worn on hands. I personally got quite a thrill when after a spirited on-the-rag fucking, I noted blood on my lover's thighs. Even though she'd long since lost her virginity, seeing the blood there made me feel like I'd just deflowered her, and the feeling was just too delicious for words.

The one fault I have with Lighterate's blog entry is that no where does he mention the risk of contracting an STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection ... 'disease' is no longer PC). All sexual contact involving blood carries this risk. I for one advocate earning one's Red Wings only with a fluid-bonded partner whose STI status you are sure of. However, given our discussion of the relative lack of blood transferred to the partner giving head, it is one of the less risky of possible risky behaviors. As for fucking, if you are concerned about STI prevention, a condom should be used for penile insertion, latex or nitrile gloves for fingering or manual stimulation (that's always true, period or not).

So, Miss B, to your question "what do I think about the subject matter of this person's blog entry?" I have to say, I think that it is a shame Lighterate lives in the Ukraine ... I might consider marrying him if he were local. I would definitely consider fucking him during my period.

Quick Sex Tip of the Day - "he's uncut, what do I do??"

2005-07-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

So, you grew up in the U.S., you've only been with men who are circumsized, and your new man/lover/fuck buddy/NSA hook-up is not. What do you do? Is there some special technique? Is he more sensitive? Are you going to hurt him?

The truth is, you tend to only notice the difference when it's soft, because when fully erect, there isn't much difference between a circumsized and uncircumsized cock, aesthetically or in terms of touch. There is slightly more give to the skin on the shaft of the penis when it's hard, if the guy is uncircumsized, but that's about all the difference you are going to notice.

If all else fails, ask him. Ask him to show you how he likes his cock stroked. Tell him you'd like him to give you pointers while you're blowing him. These are good things to do with any new lover, but particularly if you are new to an uncut cock. Trust me, he'll find your interest hot. Think of it this way: what's not to like about a lover that wants to know exactly how you like it?*

In terms of sensitivity -- medical science is still divided on the question of whether uncircumsized men are more sensitive than men who have been circumsized. Some studies conclude there is diminished sensitivity for circumsized men, some indicate no difference

Are you going to hurt him? I'm fairly certain he'll let you know if you do. Depending on what you're into ... maybe hurting him wouldn't be such a bad thing?

*being able to adapt to your partner's preferences is, in my opinion, one of the big secrets of being a good lover

Quick Sex Tip of the Day: Plushies vs. Furries

2005-07-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

Furries are people who like to dress up as animals, in animal suits, or take on the persona of an animal as part of their sex play. There is some debate here, as some Furries who prefer the anthropomorphic aspects of the play do not like being lumped in with people who are inside Mickey & Minnie, having sex with the costumes on. I think they all belong in the same group. It's always strange to me when a subset group tries to exclude a set of their own group who are slightly different than they are.

Plushies, on the other hand, incorporate the use of stuffed animals and plush toys into their sex play.

Basically, it's like this: Furries want to be animals. Plushies want to play with plush representations of animals.

Quick Sex Tip - Homemade Butt-Plugs

2005-07-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

If for instance, you feel the need for figging, or need a butt-plug like item and don't have one handy, make sure the ginger (figging) or whatever you make has a large enough flange that the plug cannot slip up into the anus.

If you still end up with a make-shift plug all the way in you, and it doesn't want to come out, lube up two fingers really well and try to fish it out of yourself, or have someone do it for you. Go slow and be gentle. If it hurts and/or you notice blood and it still won't come out, GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. It will be embarassing, yes, but know that ER doctors fish items from people's rectums with great regularity. You may end up a "this person came in with _________ stuck in their ass" statistic. But you won't do yourself any permanent (physical) damage.

Quick Sex Tip of the Day - Toy Stores

2005-06-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

The following is a list of good places to buy sex toys online

Toys in Babeland
Good Vibrations (very informative)
MyPleasure.com (great selection, also very informative)
JT Stockroom (great for BDSM toys)
Adam&Eve.com

Quick Sex Tip of the Day - the myth of the alphabet

2005-06-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

Take it from a woman who has given head to other women (men, too, but we're talking cunnilingus at the moment), tracing the alphabet on your partner's clit ISN'T going to get her off.

First, trying to hit every letter is going to ruin your concentration. What you should be paying attention to is her reactions, not the building blocks of language. And secondly, the key for most women is repetitive stimulation, and that doesn't happen when you're going "A B C D ..." with your tongue.

Quick Sex Tip of the Day - Erotic Photography

2005-06-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

Wondering where to get those erotic photos developed? Afraid they'll end up online, or get you arrested for their content? I have 2 words for you: Digital Camera.

A good digital camera doesn't cost any more than a high quality 35 mm, has the bonus of being able to plugged directly into your computer for easy transferring of images, and if you buy a photo printer with high quality photo paper you can make prints at home.

Female Squirting Orgasm - Not Just A Cocktail

2005-06-11T01:15:00.000-07:00

A little note about the

Pretty Damn Good & Concise Description of Female Ejaculation

link on the sidebar:

First, the caveat to all of this is that in the end, not every woman is going to be able to ejaculate, so if you or your girlfriend have given it your all, tried everything suggested in the how-to manuals you've read, and it still isn't working for you, please, don't beat yourselves up over this. Not every sexual act is possible or appealing to everybody and that's just how it works sometimes.

Second, on a more practical level, no need to lay a towel, unless you really do mind sleeping on a slutpuddle.

I would add to this paragraph:

Find the G-Spot
Begin by stroking or licking her clit to get her aroused. Once she begins to get turned on, insert two fingers, palm side up, into her vagina. About an inch to two inches inside the vaginal entrance, you should feel a round, roughened area on the front wall. This is the G-spot. Stroke against this area using firm pressure. It should enlarge and begin to feel more solid. Try touching or licking her clit as you manipulate the G-spot. Follow her responses and pace yourself to prolong her period of arousal; the more time she’s aroused, the more juice is building up in there.

that you need to pay a lot of attention to her signals. Don't trust that you will feel her G-Spot with your fingers. The G-Spot is as unique to each woman as a snowflake, comes in varying sizes, and is not in the same precise location. Explore slowly and carefully and let her tell you when you've found the right spot. Verbal clues are important here.

Communication is key.

I'll be saying that a lot.

oh, yes,
the Squirting Orgasm Cocktail Recipe
Ingredients
1/4 oz Jose Cuervo Especial Gold Tequila**
1/4 oz Everclear
1/4 oz Jagermeister
1/4 oz Bacardi 151 Proof Rum
Mixing Instruction
Pour all ingredients, in equal parts, into a shot glass. Stir and serve.

UM ... I'm not sure if "squirting" is what I'd be doing after a few of those.

** no one should drink Cuervo EVER

Quick Sex Tip of the Day - is he gay?

2005-06-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

Enjoying pegging (being fucked in the ass by a woman with a strap-on dildo) does not make a man gay, or even bi necessarily. It means he enjoys ass-play with women.

More broadly, a sexual act does not define one's orientation. Rather, it is defined by the people with whom one desires and chooses to engage in romantic and sexual activity.

Quick Sex Tip of the Day - vibrators

2005-06-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

If you are having trouble getting your woman off, she doesn't come when you fuck her and oral isn't working either, there is nothing wrong with her, or you most likely. Just try a vibrator. You don't have to go for one of our premium friends The Hitachi Magic Wand
or its rechargeable cousin The Acuvibe

right away.

But why settle for less than the best?

Trust me, she'll thank you for it.